A Can of Madness by Jason Pegler | top

“The author has done all of us a service by writing about how it feels, not just to be manic depressive, but to have a life of fraught and edgy encounters with just about everyone” – The Times

 “A Can of Madness takes you as close to the manic experience as you can get, it makes ‘Prozac Nation’ look like a walk in the park.” – The Big Issue 2005

 “You can't help but marvel at the sheer lunatic magnitude of it.” – The Independent on Sunday.

 “A vivid and sometimes disturbing memoir”– Channel Four Online

 “He convincingly evokes the absolute parallel reality that mania creates and the devastation it wreaks.”– Health Service Journal

 “A strong point of solidarity for those of us from the Chemical Generation for whom things got a little out of hand.” – DAIL Magazine

 “A few more books like this and maybe we'll all be listening.”– The Times

 “It is a pleasure to see this incredibly vivid and moving memoir come to print. I hope it will go on to inspire others whose lives are touched by manic depression”– H Hill, MIND

 “For those who work in the healthcare system, many of Jason’s descriptions should be a warning: this is not the way it should be. This is a strong book. Read it and gain strength.” – Dr. Teifion Davies, senior lecturer and consultant psychiatrist at St. Thomas ’ Hospital, London

I read your book, 'A can of madness' yesterday and it is the most moving and personally affecting book I have ever read. I guess you could say that you have helped one 17 year old with depression,
as unfortunately, I am exactly that. The book made me realise for the first time, despite having the illness for over 7 years on and off that there are other people out there who have the same feelings of loneliness and suicide as I do and that there are ways that this can be if not stopped, reduced and helped.

Eleanor Whittall

My friend who is in hospital at the moment has just finished reading A Can of Madness (he is bipolar, although the diagnosis changes to schizophrenic sometimes). He has just called me to say it has changed his life & taught him not to feel so ashamed. Its a great step forward for him to say that, so thanks.

Kirsty Morrison

'Jason Pegler's A Can Of Madness is a moving and intelligent approach to a subject that is so little understood and too often ignored. It deserves to be widely read and its contents debated. Certainly the publication now makes this possible'

John Calder - Publisher of 18 Nobel Prize Winners.

'I just wanted to say that I started reading your book as soon as I got on the train returning to Cornwall and I just could not put the thing down - It is WONDERFUL, such an insight, should be MANDATORY reading for all nurses and health professionals. Maybe then 'Who Knows'? they may find some care and understanding within themselves. I have been a health service professional since 1975 (a training officer since 1999) and with all the training, text books, seminars, conferences and everything else, your book is worth twenty times more than all of it. Thank you for writing the book. Thank you for allowing so many people into your life and sharing your experiences, your pain, your private moments, but most of all thank you for being Jason Pegler for all of us who need to understand that "There is never an end to learning".'

Mike Reeves

'An amazing book, as someone who suffers from depression, it was a difficult book to read as it brought home so many of my own feelings, but I was compelled to finish it and I was glad that I did. Jason, you are an incredibly brave man and I know that you will have made a difference to all those who have read your wonderful book.'

Nickie

'It is all too easy for those who are ignorant of mental illness to retain their prejudices when so few of the millions of people affected are prepared to share their experiences. Jason Pegler breaks this trend, employing an emotional honesty that can only demand empathy and respect. Full of slang and provocative language, 'A can Of Madness' has a raw, unedited feel and yet is incredibly readable. This memoir is a wonderful evocation of how it feels to be on the edge of social acceptance and should be acknowledged as an extremely valuable piece of literature as well as an insight into the reality of mental illness.'

Anna Mill, London.

'I thought it was brilliant........I read it through in two days from when I started it. It was one of those books you just couldn't put down. Your experiences were frightening, sad and at times very funny to read. I was totally ignorant on Manic Depression. It left my mind boggling.'

Maria Cartwright

'Jason's a survivor. He’s been through hell and back several times and that is probably what gives his book such an edge, with all the anger, the warmth, the humour, the compassion and the sexiness. Everything he says comes from his guts. He even manages to make madness sound attractive, because even at his lowest, his strength, his intelligence, his sensitivity and love for others shine through.'

T.V.

'As a fellow suffer of depression and a fellow Gloucestonian, I was fascinated to read you book. I was not disappointed. It was a truly moving account of your experiences. My experiences have never been as drastic and harrowing as yours but I could certainly relate to many of your feelings. My main battle is not being ashamed of my illness. I wish you the best of health in the future and thank you for your inspirational book.'

Liz

'A Can of Madness is striking for its brave, honest and often shocking account of one man's experiences of mania, depression and life in general. The passages where Jason describes the manic states take you with him with their pace and power. At these times the book is at its most vivid, real and alive. I believe I now have a level of understanding of mania that I wouldn't have had without reading the book.'

Angela Sweeney, London.

'A Can Of Madness is insightful and helpful to those who do or do not suffer/know someone with Manic Depression. It explores the situation in-depth and gives excellent views and advice on dealing with this intense illness. As a sufferer of manic depression I found this memoir helpful and helped me to set small targets for each day to carry on. This book shows that even with an illness like Manic Depression people can still make it in society - even though it is an ongoing situation. Hopefully this book will go on to open many peoples eyes about sufferers of Manic Depression - it certainly helped me....'

Emma Leadbetter, London.

'What a read, I never knew it was so hard having the illness but to write an interesting and eye-opening book like this takes talent and patience. Go on Jason.'

Bradley Hirst, Art Director, Leeds.

'The book that starts the debate on the last great taboo. Mental health is an issue we must at least debate, like the race issue unless it becomes main stream nothing is changed in society and only the voice of the so called - caring is heard. The establishment must not be allowed to operate behind closed doors.'

Justin Ashton, Pub landlord, Cornwall.

'It is a pleasure to see this incredibly vivid and moving memoir come to print.
I hope it will go on to inspire others whose lives are touched by manic depression'

H Hill Mind

"Raw! Step aside Irvine Welsh... Here comes Jason Pegler! And for all the girls there's even a bit of shot'n'tears romance yippee!!"

Renelda Chemaly (Durban, South Africa)

A CAN OF MADNESS is a compelling read for anybody interested in discovering more about this area, either for themselves or because of someone they know. Jason Pegler's prose vividly draws you into the intense ups and downs of his manic depression, matching his changing states of mind. I found it very revealing to read an account of manic depression written from the inside out. Particularly illuminating are the passages where Jason powerfully recreates in words those all-consuming manic states in which he believed that he really really could do anything.

Stephen Wyatt
Radio, television and theatre playwright

"Opens up a subject normally discussed behind closed doors, I now feel a relation and have got a bit of understanding of a subject that many people feel they know about, these people should read and learn as I was once one of them."

Mark Stallard London, UK

"A truly enlightening read on a subject which society is too eager to brush under the carpet. For an illness which affects so many, more people should read this frank account to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness."

G. Murphy, London

"I read this book in one go. It was so compelling, I couldn't put it down. The feelings of trauma and sadness it invoked stayed with me for weeks afterwards. Jason is a tremendously brave man who I hope, inspires many others with his courage and his insight."

Rachel Peel, London

"There can never be enough awareness of mental illness. This book pushes the frontiers forward and the reader will never be the same person again. One man's courage in writing it maybe the lifeline of many and the enlightenment of thousands."

W.A.Cook - Kennington, London

"As a mind opener for a different state of mind this book has changed me. From looking at people on the dregs of society to becoming the unlucky few, without sympathy but including them into the life which we all hide. I truly hope this becomes standard reading material on any school curriculum."

John, Dublin

"Really good book that made me want to know that lovely girl Sonia that changed Jason. I hope the best for your book."

Carole, Strasbourg, France

"A book full of strength, easy to read, showing the different aspects of an illness which touches so many people. I enjoyed it from the start to the finish and it definitely opened my eyes on a subject before unknown to me. C'mon Jase. Carry on, you're great. Good luck to you two."

Ben, Le Mans, France

 “ Like other books in this genre, such as ‘Prozac Nation’, the author is often painfully honest about his experiences. But, as well as educating us, the book also provides optimism and hope, showing that is it finally possible to learn to live with and accept having a mental health problem.”– Julia MacPherson - MIND

 “Pegler gives great insights into what it means to live with manic depression.”- Rethink

 “A compelling, funny and often shocking account of manic depression. An honest firsthand account of the author’s experience of life with severe mental health problems.”– MIND

 “Compulsive stuff.”– Community Care

 “A revolutionary way of understanding manic depression.”– Fiona Whelpton, author, journalist and mental health activist.

Name of Article: A Can of Madness

Publication: The Times Educational Supplement , 26/11/04

 Available at: http://www.tes.co.uk/search/story/?story_id=2054592

There are manic passages in this book. For instance: "I discovered I was sat next to Geoffrey from the old TV programme Rainbow on the train from Clapham Junction to Waterloo . He looked as pale and ill as I did. Maybe Geoffrey was mentally ill as well. That was such a pity. Zippy, George and Bungle hadn't been real people and all that time Geoffrey hadn't known. No wonder he was so depressed now that he had found out."

The author has done all of us a service by writing about how it feels, not just to be manic depressive, but to have a life of fraught and edgy encounters with just about everyone.

"Doctors just didn't listen to me. They didn't have enough time, there were too many patients, they had too much paperwork."

A few more books like this (thanks to Chipmunkapublishing, which is dedicated to getting people with mental health problems into print) and maybe we'll all be listening.

Name of Article: Paperback Reviews

Publication: The Independent on Sunday, 28/11/04

Available at: http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/books/reviews

/story.jsp?story=588038

A Can of Madness by Jason Pegler

According to Pegler's own preface, this is "the most honest account written about manic depression that you have ever seen". You soon get used to his remarkable monomania, make allowances for it and when it starts to get really out of control, you can't help but marvel at the sheer lunatic magnitude of it. The self-proclaimed cleverest boy at his Gloucester grammar school, chess master and star of the rugby field was admitted to hospital and diagnosed manic depressive at 17. By that time he'd already been raving for a couple of years which probably didn't help, but neither did it fully explain his conviction that he was destined to avert a nuclear war and create world peace through the widespread distribution of Ecstasy.

A Can of Madness moves in a repetitive cycle of mania, depression and relative normality throughout numerous stays in hospital. It condemns the mental health services, but works towards a redemptive conclusion, wherein Pegler sets up his own mental health charity and publishing house dedicated to combating misconceptions about mental illness. There's lots of wit and vigour in his writing, some shocking and brutal moments and a few tender ones.

By Laurence Phelan

Name of Article: Steady Article

Publication: MDF

 ‘A Can Of Madness’ is my autobiography on manic depression. (ISBN 0 954 221 826) Pegler says "I was diagnosed with manic depression when I was 17 and am now I am 27". My book has already helped a lot of people accept their condition, feel less isolated, come up with coping strategies and even snap out of depression. A word of warning though, Britain ’s answer to ‘Prozac Nation’ is not for the faint-hearted.

Name of Article: ‘ A Can of Madness’ by Jason Pegler

Publication: Breakthrough

I recently met Jason Pegler at the conference 'The Social Model of Madness & Distress' organised by Greater London Action on Disability (GLAD) in Brixton. I decided to purchase a copy of his book because it is always interesting to find out another person's experience of madness. Now I will set out my person opinion on this book:

I found reading Jason's moving account very educational in terms of appreciating what exactly a person is going through when they are experiencing manic depression and also the effect this must have on an individual's family and friends. But most important of all is the person who as an individual has to come to terms and live with their experiences of this mental distress.

I certainly feel a sense of solidarity in reading about Jason's heart-rending story about the ups and downs of living with madness. Also it was an indictment of the lack of compassion and empathy from those healthcare staff responsible for his care. It shows how more needs to be done in order to reform mental health services and bring them into the 21t Century.

It has certainly got me thinking about the possibility of having the courage to write my own story. I would certainly recommend others to read this book.

Richard Marx

 Name of Article: ‘A Can of Madness’ by Jason Pegler: Book Review

Publication: Southwark Mind 2002

 Review by Robert Dellar

 Jason Pegler, a survivor of manic-depression, has just self-published an autobiography, "A Can of Madness." Funded in part by the Mind Millennium Awards. I think this book is an amazing achievement.

Covering Jason's life from childhood, through having his first breakdown whilst doing his ‘A’ levels, to various shenanigans at university and nightclubs, this book articulates the lifestyle and head-space of a young man coming to terms with a manic-depressive ‘illness’ in an enormously charismatic and compelling way. The prose is refreshingly raw, it is fluent and it flows, jumping energetically off the page at the reader.

The book is very entertaining and accessible, Jason suggests at the end of his book that no-one in their right mind would choose to go through the experiences associated with a ‘manic-depression’ diagnosis and the pain, chaos and periods of hospitalisation involved. However, many of the episodes described make the ‘illness’ sound like a right laugh. Jason floats around Gloucester, Manchester, parts of America and finally London, getting up to all sorts of mischief: taking lots of drugs, drinking loads, shagging lots of women and generally partying it. The way he writes about this is boastful, but also hilarious and painfully honest. He gives mixed messages about the benefits or otherwise of psychosis, messages which probably reflect his own experiences accurately.

Jason Pegler is only 25. If this book is anything to go by, he may well have a successful future as a writer ahead of him. He is also helping the cause of the ‘mad’ people's movement by demystifying psychosis and in ionic ways making it sound glamorous. It takes courage to do this from such an intensely personal perspective.

If you'd like a copy, its available for £12 including postage and packing from Jason at: PO Box 6872, Brentwood, Essex, CM13 1ZT. Cheques payable to Jason Pegler.

"What follows is intended to help people understand the condition of manic depression and similar mental illnesses… My own experience is that it’s possible to emerge at the other end of adversity and live a decent life ... When writing this book, I often thought back to how long it took me to accept my own illness. I know now I can help at least one person cope with their illness better that I did. This alone makes the pain of writing it worthwhile.- Jason Pegler, taken from the preface.

Name of Article: Books

Publication: Rural Minds Digest, Issue 50, Dec 2002

 “As I was being driven off in the back of a police van in a space suit, I thought I was Donovan ‘Bad Boy’ Smith being driven to a rave…” This is the start of Jason Pegler’s book A Can of Madness, which is a hard-hitting and painfully honest account of the author’s experience of living with manic depression. The language is often strong and the book is not for the faint-hearted. Yet the book gives hope for the future and there is a recognition of the fact that “mania is a unique and sometimes beautiful experience”.

Name of Article: Book Reviews

Publication: Community Care, 12/12/02

 Julia Tugendhat on promoting responsibility among young people and Anthony Douglas on a cathartic autobiography

 ‘A Can of Madness’

Jason Pegler, Chipmunkapublishing,

Jason Pegler suffers from manic depression and his book, A Can of Madness, catalogues how his illness nearly destroyed him, those close to him and numerous friends and lovers along the way. Drugs and alcohol come and go, and the slide into addiction, as an unforeseen consequence of pain relief, is power­fully described.

This autobiographical work is an outpouring and as such there are clear lessons.

At the end, after 10 years of self-harm, Pegler has a recovery plan - an action plan, put together with the help of his psychologist. He is in a stable relationship, with hopes for the future, the same hopes all of us have.

The hidden lesson of the book is that health and social care services need to intervene early. Not doing so can ruin adult lives and waste untold resources on reluctant adults.

A Can of Madness is compulsive stuff and worth reading to understand better the numbing daily experience many service users go through.

Like much of social work, it is short of answers and like social work; its inherent optimism that life can only get better keeps Pegler - and the reader - going.

 Anthony Douglas is director of social care and health, Suffolk Council

 Name of Article: Reviews

Publication: DAIL Magazine, Issue 171

Disability Arts in London (DAIL) Magazine publishes news, views, previews and reviews of the work of disabled artists in London and beyond. It provides a forum where people can express different views about all aspects of disability arts.

Chas de Swiet reviews ‘A Can of Madness’ by Jason Pegler.

A Can of Madness is a memoir of a life in which there has been a constant battle with manic depression. It is an account that I found hard to put down. It covers Jason's journey through school, raving, drugs, alcoholism, violence, holidays, university, graduation, working in London and four hospital admissions.

 There are very lucid accounts of what it is like to have manic and depressive episodes. The recall of manic thought patterns is sharp and reassuringly familiar, including delusions of grandeur, perhaps brought on by lack of self-respect and familiar paranoia about events such as nuclear war. The dangerous attraction of solipsism also comes through. At one point he hits the nail on the head: 'Things seem so much easier when you are manic, as your imagination seems to become your reality. You don't actually have to do anything to believe that you have accomplished it.'

Jason thoroughly explores the nature of his past relationships, whether they are romantic, family, with friends or the strange projections that can take place on the ward. It is one of the few accounts of madness I have read that deals with great honesty and courage about some of the sexual experiences that can arise as a result of an episode. Other common issues discussed are the effects of a family history of mental health problems, whether to be open with new acquaintances or the loneliness of being mentally ill. The following made me smile in recognition: 'The only thing that I can remember liking was sponge pudding with custard. The taste made me feel, for the merest part of a second, OK; like I felt when I was writing a poem.'

The last part of the book goes into detail about the prevention strategy that Jason has worked out. This strategy is very much based on the medical model and around working out the right medication regime, but it seems to work for him. He is very strong throughout on the need for a lack of denial when facing manic depression. The change that a secure decent home makes to his life is reassuring to see, as is the awareness that general levels of expectation might have to be adjusted.

Some of ‘A Can of Madness’ makes for uncomfortable reading. For the first 20-odd years of his life, Jason was extremely violent and is still obviously more than capable of looking after himself. In the later part of the book Jason rejects this violent side but still seems proud of previous exploits. Some of the language used towards women is also offensive: he is happy to call them 'bitches' and 'sluts' when his own behaviour is not exactly perfect. One last criticism is that although Jason is obviously a multitalented guy - he was a junior chess champion and was talented at sport - the language sometimes comes across as quite boastful.

On the whole, the book is one that I can relate to strongly, not least because Jason's first breakdown was a month before mine whilst being part of the same rave scene in the West Country. It is reminiscent of Elizabeth Wurtzel's ‘Prozac Nation’; but whilst ‘Prozac Nation’ was culturally specific to the East Coast of the USA , ‘A Can of Madness’ provides a strong point of solidarity for those of us from the Chemical Generation for whom things got a little out of hand.

Some of Jason's writing is raw in parts but is always honest and he often mentions the cathartic power that writing has for him.

 Name of Article: Dancing to a Different Tune

Publication: Health News Journal

‘A Can of Madness’ by Jason Pegler.

Jason Pegler’s memoir about living with manic depression has been published with funding from the Millennium Commission and Mind. It may prove unsettling readers for those HSJ readers removed from the daily lives of the people who use their mental health services.

Pegler gives great insights into what it means to live with manic depression, which affects about one in 100 people. His frank admissions about his past behaviour are shocking when he describes alcohol fuelled fights and casual relationships with women. But he applies the same candour and directness to all aspects of his life, without censoring the more unpleasant parts of his past behaviour.

Pegler shows how there is a direct link between the quality of care he gets, and the success he has in managing his illness, The thoughtless and unkind words of healthcare staff take on a life-and-death significance for Pegler at times and he bravely recalls the most painful memories of hospital wards. The most harrowing of these is the suicide of a fellow patient and the reaction of staff to be severely lacking in compassion and decency.

Pegler’s writing style, at its best, is dynamic and evocative of his drink and drug-based hedonism of the 1990s and the bizarre delusions of mania. For him, these have included thinking that he could prevent a nuclear war by getting everyone in Europe to take drugs and dance together.

Liz Nightingale, Media Officer, Rethink

Name of Article: Review

Publication: Health Service Journal (HSJ)

‘A Can of Madness’ by Jason Pegler

Dance and pop culture informs his writing style, which is both casual and philosophical by turns. He convincingly evokes the absolute parallel reality that mania creates and the devastation it wreaks. Having experienced such highs myself, I would say he does so very accurately.

A Can of Madness is a welcome addition to the existing “canon” of self-help memoirs, such as Kay Redfield Jameson’s excellent An Unquiet Mind and Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation.

Pegler’s work measures up very well to these, more, commercial, standards. He has reworked Redfield Jameson’s subject matter for a generation raised on a cultural diet of Oasis, house music and Scorsese films.

The book is essential reading for any mental health service manager who needs reminding that people can, and do, recover from a severe mental illness when they get the right services and support as early as possible.

 Name of Article: A Can of Madness Review

Publication: Mind Website

A Compelling, Funny and Often Shocking Account of Manic-Depression is Brought to Print with the Help of Mind

"I remember walking through Mosside buying Ethnic minority newspapers and thinking how I could save the world through the medium of film. I stayed up all night writing messages in books and on pamphlets that I had collected, also leaving my phone number to let people know who to call when the inevitable nuclear war broke out. News of the war was about to break the following day.

At about 4 am I thought I’d call Snoop Doggy Dogg to call for his help. There was an emergency number at the back of the CD cover of Doggystyle to contact his crew if anything went wrong. I rang the number and it didn’t matter that I couldn’t speak to anyone, my powers of telepathy had returned…By 7.30am, I thought that the whole world had turned into the red light district in Amsterdam and that Chorlton in Manchester was the centre of
world consciousness. I had never been so happy and intrigued in my life." – Taken from P98 of ‘A Can of Madness’by Jason Pegler

‘A Can of Madness by Jason Pegler’ (to be published on Friday 12th April 02, Chipmunkapublishing, price £12.00 pbk, funded by Mind) is a vivid and sometimes disturbing memoir about the experience of having a diagnosis of manic-depression. It is being published with funding from the Real Lives, Real People project, a unique collaboration between Mind and the Millennium Commission.

‘A Can of Madness’ was written using excerpts of a diary written at the time of the author’s flights into mania and his descents into depression. Like other
books in this genre, such as Prozac Nation, the author is often painfully honest about his experiences. He recounts a dizzying, dark and sometimes euphoric journey through a world of elation, despair, binge drinking, drugs, raves and psychiatric wards.

But, as well as educating us, the book also provides optimism and hope, showing that it is finally possible to learn to live with and accept having a mental health problem.

"What follows is intended to help people understand the condition of manic depression and similar mental illnesses…My own experience is that it’s possible to emerge at the other end of adversity and live a decent life. When
writing this book, I often thought back to how long it took me to accept my own illness. I know now I can help at least one person cope with their illness better than I did. This alone makes the pain of writing it worthwhile." - Jason Pegler, taken from the preface.

Jason Pegler lives in London and is currently working on his second novel.

Name of Article: Nothing Soothing about…

Publication: Openmind Magazine

 Nothing soothing about A Can of Madness.

Kay Jamieson was the first to link writing and bipolar disorder, and this book suggests why that might be. It is very hard to write about those mood swings, especially the mania, without making it all sound a bit glamorous (the manic depressive is the contemporary model of ‘romantic’ madness). Making a ‘story’ out of it presupposes survival and forces a shape and order on the experience. Other depressive illnesses are pretty dreary and it is hard to make narrative sense out of psychosis. In addition, because lithium does seem to work, it is a diagnosis with some hope attached. Pegler catches the wild energy of the illness but also the terrifying and hideous aspects of it; above all, the sense of loss involved in being ‘cured’. He writes a ‘good story’, vividly and movingly.

Name of Article: Dark Side of the Mind

Publication: Groundswell News, Issue 22, Summer 2003

 Groundswell News is a magazine for the homeless.

Over to you!, Book Reviews, the dark side of the mind.

I count myself as someone who’s not scared easily, but Jason Pegler’s book A Can of Madness rocked me to my core and brought back memories that I wanted to stuff at the back of my mind and to keep them there, as a sufferer of depression.

There is a paragraph I have taken from the book that summed up how I felt when an attack of depression struck:

“I feel really shit. There’s no future. I’m so unhappy and I’ll never be happy again so I’ll fucking kill myself. I’ll jump off a building. That will kill me. Thing is I’m too depressed to even fucking stand up, let alone walk and walk all the way up a fucking tall building. You must be fucking joking. I could get a lift but I don’t want to see anyone. They’d only be wankers anyway and they wouldn’t understand the shit I’m going through. I’ll have another cigarette and kill myself that way. Shit, that’s too slow. I don’t give a fuck. Thing is, I don’t know what would kill me and I’m too depressed to go anywhere. Just want to stay here and feel like fucking shit. There’s no future anyway so it doesn’t fucking matter.”

Does this ring any bells? Good reading and stay safe.

 Eddie O’Neill Parker

 Name of Article: User and Carer Perspectives

Publication: Mind Publications Catalogue, Autumn Winter 2004/2005

 A Can of Madness

Jason Pegler

This is an honest firsthand account of the author’s experience of life with severe mental health problems. It does not flinch from describing extremes of feeling and using explicit language. The author, who published this book himself, with the help of a Mind Millennium Award, tells how he copes with his mental health problems and what life throws at him.

Chipmunka Publishing, 2002

Behind A Glass Wall | top

Warning: This is not for the faint hearted but for every parent to read. Chipmunkapublishing publishes this because we aim to change the way the world thinks about mental health. The time is nigh.

The Times August 19th

Letter to a Lost Daughter By Dorothy Schwarz

This was the note in perfectly legible writing found by the police lying on the front seat of your car, parked at Marks Tey station on August 22nd, 2000.

(To my family and friends and Hicham (their addresses are on a list pinned up over my bed.) No one is to blame for my death. I am killing myself because the circumstances of my life are unbearable. I love you all; but I can't live like this. I am in too much pain and I am just deteriorating. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I used to work and see friends a lot; but now I can do neither because I can't function nor communicate. I've been in hell for 4 months and I can't bear the pain any more. Zoë you must have worked out careful plans: to arrive just minutes before the London express hurtled down the tracks, hide behind a concrete pillar, dash down the platform and leap high against the driver's cab. Your father phoned at 2 pm from Liverpool Street to say that his train was delayed: "Apparently there's been a fatality on the line." Neither of us guessed that it was you. Even though you'd tried to kill yourself once before. You were 18 that first time. We called it a nervous breakdown when Bristol University sent you home for "undisciplined behaviour."

Back home depression set in and you took an almost fatal dose of quinine. But you recovered completely, so we thought, and went back to university, made friends and took your degree. And as for unpleasant memories - we shoved them away. While you were at the LSE for your Masters, as our memories of the breakdown faded and you seemed set for a brilliant career, no one spoke about this first episode. "I've been to the bottom," you used to say, "I'm strong." We put the horror behind us. Your friends, your lovers and your family agreed: it was over. And then when you were 26, and your charisma and enthusiasms grew wild again, and aggressive, we all said "Zoë is just being Zoë."

We were in denial and so were you. We followed your lead. You gave up your job and against everyone's advice, went to Morocco "to find myself." I loved the emails you sent in those first weeks, full of enthusiasm about Islamic culture, learning Arabic and meeting the love of your life - Hicham. Then the emails grew wilder and wilder, your projects more farfetched, but we suspected nothing until we arrived for our three week holiday to find you in an episode of full blown mania: attacking the hotel staff, knocking my glasses off my nose, refusing to eat, hectoring everyone in earshot with grandiloquent schemes to save the universe. Did you ever forgive us for signing the papers that sectioned you into a psychiatric hospital in Marrakech? It was that or prison, and your father argued it would be harder to get you out of prison than out of a mental hospital.

When the hospital released you twelve days later and we flew home together with your mania brought down by antipsychotic drugs, it seemed only a matter of waiting a few weeks for you to return to some sort of equilibrium. But the depression seized you like a terrier shaking a rag and wouldn't let go. And neither we, nor the doctors, nor you yourself could have managed to prevent the terrible outcome. After your death, as we looked for answers, we found on the top shelf in your bedroom six cardboard cartons crammed with papers jumbled together in no particular order.

I never knew that you had kept so many. I found diaries in hard and soft covers, notes on loose sheets of paper, photographs and a lock of everyone in the family's hair, birthday cards and souvenirs. When I'd finished reading and sorting your diaries, my diaries, everyone's letters and memories I found no answer to the terrible question of why that haunts those who are left after a suicide.. When I'd finished reading the medical reports we had obtained from the Health Trust I found no answer. Weren't you yourself swinging between yes and or no? You wrote that last summer in the brown notebook I'd given you: Reality: Morocco/Hicham - can't go back. So you knew, as I guessed you had, that a life with Hicham was a fantasy. He would never have settled in UK as you hoped.

He didn't even want to come. He was your last love. Most probably have to accept a more humble job and more humble living arrangements than I would like - if I don't get better, but make the most of things - I can work my way up. Have to accept that at 27 I am not 'set up' job/house/relationship-wise. My friends will not reject me if I don't reject me. The challenge is to be happy and true to my nature, through deep self-esteem because I don't have any strength at the moment and may not have for a long time if ever - bad luck. I feel myself trembling on the brink of understanding your leaving like that - the essential mystery of suicide. But ultimately that you killed yourself -makes no sense to me. Killing is something that one does to something else - an enemy, an animal, an unfaithful lover. Not to yourself!

There is no pain to compare with the one suicide inflicts. Nobody who is healthy wants to die and nobody who is healthy wants to burden his or her loved ones with this kind of pain. And what was going through your mind during the confusion of your last weeks and what was going through our minds - not seeing that you were growing worse not better? That last summer, your Dad and I had such faith in the reassuring psychiatrist in charge of your case when he said that it would be only a matter of weeks before the medication would lift that crippling depression. You had recovered before. Suicide is like measles, I thought. Once you've had it, you're immunised from further attempts. The opposite is true. But none of us who loved you found this out until it was too late. Easier to tell ourselves when you did extravagant things like drive my car at 84 mph on the M25 in the rain and crash into the barriers, or fight with your beloved younger brother, that "Zoë is being Zoë," rather than acknowledge that you were suffering from swings of manic behaviour.

"No one is to blame for my death." Writing in your suicide note those eight words in biro then tracing over the letters so that some letters are thickened and others have two parallel lines from top to bottom. They are like railway tracks leading to your implacable act. Your friend Lizzie sent an e-mail a year later saying that she'd dreamed that you were giving her useful advice. When people dream of you sometimes you frighten them, sometimes not. My friend's fifteen-year old with a history of self harm, dreamed that you and she were running down a hill hand-in-hand laughing to escape, but she stopped halfway while you ran on to the bottom. She is 18 now and well again.

Your cousin dreamed that you held a menacing rifle but your elder sister dreamed that in our sitting room, a wind blew through your hair and you turned into a butterfly among a cloud of other blue butterflies that fluttered outside. Your father went to Scotland the spring after you died and saw the trees that we had paid for. Six hundred of them. No plaque or anything. In the forest book, there's a grid reference for the actual spot. He took photos. They are just young native trees, a good memorial for you. Most of your ashes (you'd be as surprised as I was, the volume of ashes one body makes) have been scattered are under a mossy stone where Tigger is also buried in the front garden. I sometimes fight an urge to raise that stone and see what's happened to them. Are they mixed with earth? When Tigger died you were pleased that I wrapped the cat in white muslin instead of burying him in a dustbin liner.

When the vet opened his bag, I ran out of your room, too squeamish to watch the final injection. You held Tigger in your arms. When I came back a few minutes later, he looked asleep and peaceful. No one held you. The police sergeant insisted that you could have felt nothing. That can't be true! You must have felt something as your body smashed against the window of the driver's cab. The train driver said at the inquest that you jumped high. He was sent to hospital with shock. Remained there for several days, I believe. A friend of a friend of yours said: "What an egotistical way to die. Didn't she think of the train driver?" "At that moment she wasn't thinking of drivers." I said, "Fuck off!" I've never seen him again, nor want to. "I can't bear the pain any longer," you wrote in that note. I've laminated it, a souvenir together with a lock of your hair.

Why couldn't you wait longer for the pills to work? Fourteen weeks of pain should not have been unendurable. You slept a lot. But there are other ways of looking at your tempestuous life - your friends, your lovers, your writing, your work, your enthusiasm, your joy. Perhaps you were too fine for us? The beat of the drum you danced to didn't fit in with our drab, calculating world where what a person has counts more than what a person is. Or was it simply random chemicals misfiring, turning your reactions from vivid to florid and shocking the sensibilities of everyone around you? I had never seen a mad person until I saw you when we came to fetch you home from Morocco. Sensitivity - we lacked it. Honesty - we bamboozled ourselves. And you - the silent, sullen one behind the glass wall retreating; we thought you were improving but you had already decided to leave us. What doppelgänger took you? I hate her.

You accepted her and the two of you must have worked out the suicide plan most carefully. To be loving is not enough when we are also ignorant. So dreadfully ignorant of the suicide risk that accompanies manic depression. I wondered in the days, weeks, months and now years that have followed your awful choice whether we could have stopped you. We complained to the hospital authorities that we only learned after your death that you had spoken of suicide to doctors and nurses. They told us that patient confidentiality had been respected. But you had told the psychiatrist that "suicide was not an option." That's what you told me, too, during the only evening that we talked properly together and I never questioned you again. Zo, my beloved daughter, stay in our memories as long as we're alive and stay alive in the memories of many other people who also loved you. Sometimes, Zo, I go places and meet someone new and I don't tell them about you.

Every parent who loses a child to suicide has to accept that the dead fade from active daily consciousness; they have to or none of us could carry on. There comes a stage when grief must subside or life becomes subordinate to pain. You would be ruefully amused with one of my responses to losing you. The single grey parrot that you let perch on your wrist until depression stopped you reacting to anything has been joined by another (and another and another). The little flock live in an aviary in the garden. One pair of Amazons is sitting on four eggs. You would have loved them. "Please forgive me," you wrote. When I forgive you, will you forgive me? You left an unexpected legacy. You used to complain in letters and conversations and emails, that I moaned too much about my problems. Middle class syndrome you called it. Now that the next to worse thing has happened, I moan less. So is there an answer? You killed yourself because your brain grew too disordered to give you enough time to wait for the antidepressants to take effect. You killed yourself because you couldn't face returning to hospital. Or as your eldest sister says: you just wanted to stop the pain and thought that you could come back later. Life itself is a mystery - why should death be clearer? [Ends]

Lessons of Zoë's suicide

Walter and Dorothy Schwarz One in five manic depressives eventually commits suicide. When Zoë did, we were not aware of that statistic, though we ought to have been. She had been ill for five months - first manic then depressed. Her psychiatrist probably knew about the suicide rate, and he, too, might have acted more aggressively to prevent it. It's true that at 27 our youngest daughter was an adult and she chose to die, "I love you all but I can't live like this," she wrote, sitting in her car at Marks Tey station before throwing herself under an express train. But if she had lived, we believe she could have found a way of coping with her treatable but incurable illness, as others have done with the help of antidepressants and therapy.

Two and a half years later our grief has grown scar tissue but remains infected with guilt and shame. Something waiting to happen was not prevented. Why? Perhaps the story of Zoë's death could help others. Bipolar affective disorder, as the ancient illness is now called, has been associated down the ages with originality and charisma, often with genius: Byron, Coleridge, Melville, Graham Greene, Virginia Woolf, Strindberg, Spike Milligan, Louis Althusser, Otto Klemperer, Stephen Fry, Vivien Leigh, Sue Lyon, Kurt Cobain, Francis Coppola ……. The illness is now regarded as a genetic neurobiological brain disease affecting one person in a hundred to some degree.

Its victims swing inexorably, according to the Manic Depression Website, between "increased energy, restlessness, racing thoughts, rapid talking, excessive or euphoric feelings, extreme irritability and distractibility" and "a persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood, feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness…." Our mistake with Zoë was our refusal to see her eccentric behaviour as a symptom of mental illness - not just the familiar neuroticism of middle-class professional families. We had plenty of excuses because parents are required, above all else, to believe in their offspring. And Zoë had emerged triumphantly "cured" from an earlier bipolar episode when she was 18. It had begun following a bout of glandular fever just before her first term at Bristol. She ascribed her altered mental states to a chemical imbalance. At Bristol she was wild, bizarre, promiscuous and aggressive: she was sent down. The depression which followed ended in her taking an overdose of quinine. We saved her - that time. With a minimum of drugs and 2 years of counselling she considered she was 'cured:' went back to college, achieved an MSC with distinction and told us. 'I've been to the bottom. I'm strong". We believed her. We blotted out the nightmare episode. Throughout her twenties her behaviour was mercurial - too many boyfriends, too much pot - but it always seemed on this side of acceptable.

She did a pioneering job with United Response, a major charity, where her intelligence, charm and energy brought in more customers and money than anyone expected. "A sparkly, beautiful, vivacious woman with a keen sense of humour and a rare ability to engage with everyone she met," her boss wrote after Zoë's death. She was charismatic, compassionate, full of laughter and love. True she had a famously filthy temper. Even when, as we know in retrospect, she was becoming manic again - her plans for her future became irrational and her outbursts of temper became physically violent - she willed us to believe in her. She brainwashed us. "Zoë is Zoë" we said, and so did her two brothers and two sisters and her many friends. If we questioned her, let alone criticised, she would march out and slam the door. The glass panel in our kitchen door still has a crack. So, brainwashed, we didn't think of manic depression when she punched her elder sister in a quarrel (Zoë was very strong) and, in another quarrel, bit through her younger brother's sweater onto his chest. Or when she almost killed her mother and best friend by crashing the barrier at 85mph on the North Circular in heavy rain.

Zoë is Zoë. She began smoking pot as more than a recreational drug and we later found from her diaries that she was taking cocaine as well, even while trying to build up a business of her own. A desperate attempt, we now believe, at self-medication. When her life began to disintegrate, she refused the offer of a job and went to Morocco for an indefinite stay. "Over the top" was how we all described her emails - deliriously happy in Morocco with a lover she planned to marry. "To the best parents, best brothers and sisters in the world" she wrote, inviting us to a holiday, which she lovingly planned for us in meticulous detail. Almost as soon as we arrived at Essaouira, she turned against us. In high mania, anyone who potentially brings you down is an enemy, and who is more back-to-earth than Mum and Dad? She acted crazy, haranguing the entire hotel with exalted spirituality mingled with obscene abuse, until the hotel manager gave us a choice - the police or the hospital. The local psychiatrist asked the obvious question: has she been like this before? Of course. Of course. No more denial.

We had to sign a Section committing our daughter to the secure mental hospital in Marrakesh. There they treated her (we checked it out) in exactly the same way they would have done anywhere else, with the same drugs to bring her "down." With help from the British Consul we got her home after only 12 days in hospital. Ten days later the depression we now expected set in which worsened by the week until Zoë became a hollow, silent woman. Again the drugs to bring her "up" were routine, the ones they use everywhere. Colchester General Hospital has a state of the art mental health unit and the specialist in charge visited Zoë at home once a week. She liked him.

As weeks passed her depression refused to lift. She sat around all day. The drugs were changed twice without effect. We believed, as many friends and relatives told us, that she would "come out of it in her own time, when she's ready." We cannot now forgive ourselves for reacting, some of that time, like normal parents when their unsmiling child is surly and irritable. After her death we found cardboard boxes of her diaries, cards, letters, memorabilia and photos. A bedroom full of clues. In the final depression she wrote little. One page in tiny writing: "…. a terrifying place. …Very difficult to describe which makes it harder for others to understand. The stigma is hard too… it's hard to imagine being out of it…. you feel you've gone mad even when you're lucid. Don't know what to do with myself. What to think? Where to start? Cannot envisage improvement in the future. Everything is quite frightening."

Once or twice she tried desperately to break free, applied for a job, bought clothes, went for an interview. But it was hopeless: she had lost all her spark and confidence. Nothing could shake her despair. The psychiatrist had advised us to leave her alone but we wish we'd hugged her more often, even when she exasperated us. Asked how she was, she answered in monosyllables: "the same." Many times we preached to her a gospel of hope which seemed only to accentuate her hopelessness. There was talk of admitting Zoë into the ward but she hated the idea and would surely have walked out unless she had been sectioned and nobody wanted that. There was talk of electroshock treatment which we discouraged, haunted by memories of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

In August the psychiatrist took his annual three-week holiday. He assured us Zoë would be well looked after. But in his absence she hardly spoke to anyone and was under the supervision of a junior psychiatrist of her own age. When the specialist returned, on August 21, 2000, he called a conference for the next day to start the "new strategy". Zoë was to be admitted as an inpatient on August 23. August 22 at 11 am: Zoë told her mother she was going to visit a friend. We had repaired her old car, which she had neglected, to give her some independence. Her real destination was Marks Tey, the first station up the line from Colchester, at the point where the London-bound express trains reach full speed. Zoë had told her mother a month earlier that suicide was "not an option."

Once again we were conniving with her - once more in denial. You cannot accept - it makes no sense - that a young woman who is clever, beautiful, talented, loved and witty should be in such pain and despair that she would end her own life. Because of patient confidentiality, we were not told what she said to the specialist but she apparently gave him the same assurance. We decided that if Zoë was not home by 8pm we would call the police. At 7.45 the police arrived. Her suicide note was on the dashboard. "To my family and friends…no one is to blame for my death… I love you all but I can't live like this. … I'm sorry. Please forgive me….I used to work and see friends a lot but now I can do neither because I can't function or communicate. I've been in hell for four months and I can't bear the pain any more……Zoë.' In her depression she had only read one book, which we had given her: Kay Redfield Jamison's The Unquiet Mind, the inspiring story of the author's struggle with manic depression until she became, with the aid of the drug lithium, professor of psychiatry at John Hopkins University. Zoë gave us back the book and said crossly: "there you are, you never get over it." She had given us a clue to her coming suicide which we hadn't recognised. Afterwards, her best friend said: "it was her pride which killed her".

Her siblings and friends were all forging ahead in careers and loves. Zoë knew that, in time, she could have lived an acceptable life. But she rejected the prospect of living under the shadow of lonely horror. She did not want a life with lithium. She struggled throughout her last depression and repeated: "I'm living behind a glass wall." She contemplated a future on medication. In her last diary entry she wrote: "….If I don't get better I will most probably have to accept a more humble job and more humble living arrangements than I would like… but make the most of things: I can work my way up….Have to accept that at 27 I am not 'set up' job/house/relationship wise. My friends will not reject me if I don't reject me. The challenge is to be happy and true to my nature, through deep self-esteem because I don't have any strength at the moment and may not have for a long time if ever…" Neither she nor any of us could give her that strength. So she took the wrong decision. Looking back on her own life and career, Kay Jamison writes that she would rather have had manic depression than not, because the highs were worth the lows. Zoë, too, must have owed something of her joie de vivre, compassion and dynamism to her highs. She lit up a room when she entered.

After her death a young woman who had met Zoë in Morocco wrote to us: "she made me understand for the first time the power of charisma. Zoë seemed to emanate strength, glamour and excitement. When we met she introduced herself to me, saying 'I have been watching you for days and I can see you are a genius and a poet'. She was seductive, hypnotic, and all consuming. For more than a week we were with her ... acting as willing participants in the dramas that were the actualisations of her instincts and imagination. Zoë saw a horse on the beach that she felt was in pain. She was convinced that [her friend] Mohammed was spiritual and religious enough to heal the horse. She made him believe he had the power to heal, and for several days he stood with the horse whilst a congregation of Essaouirian drummers and singers created spiritual songs to aid the healing process, again at Zoë's behest.... Zoë was the director or author of a world that was at once coltish and miraculous, but ultimately too fragile, too raw to survive... My abiding memory is of her dancing to a song by the 'Mamas and Papas' which she had included on a compilation tape for her sister's birthday.

She was dancing [with her lover Isham] in a way that I can only describe as ecstatic. She was performing, but she was so happy and in love that I know I was not the only person who had stopped dancing to watch her, and to think of my own comparatively realistic life as passionless and dry in the face of such intensity..." Two days after her death 40 friends and relations came to sit round a bonfire on the lawn. They told tearful stories we'd never heard before, of how Zoë had helped, inspired and empowered timid people, especially the young. What if she herself had had better care and attention, if she had not felt so alone? Her death deeply shocked the staff at the mental health centre and they held an inquiry. We were not allowed to see the report but told its highlights informally: it called for a better anti-suicide strategy; parents who were also the carers must be given more support and told more of what passed between patient and doctor, in spite of patient confidentiality. We hope it also recommended that psychiatrists should not go on holiday leaving at-risk patients without equivalent care, and that more attention should be paid to an outpatient's ability to plan suicide while pretending that suicide is not an option. For ourselves we conclude that parents, siblings and friends of bipolars need, before the crisis overwhelms everyone, to see it coming and find a way to persuade the patient to seek treatment instead of smoking pot from breakfast to bedtime. Zoë had tried to cope on her own, too proud to confide in her closest friends and family. And then, when the crisis happens, family and friends should not kid themselves that "she'll come out of it when she chooses." Zoë had tried but failed to overcome her despair and that left her, she thought, no choice. Could anyone have convinced her otherwise? We will never know. If only, while she was such a bundle of morosity and self-absorption, we had kissed her more often. [End] Lessons of Zoë's suicide (2,200 words) Walter and Dorothy Schwarz One in five manic depressives eventually commits suicide. When Zoë did, we were not aware of that statistic, though we ought to have been.

She had been ill for five months - first manic then depressed. Her psychiatrist probably knew about the suicide rate, and he, too, might have acted more aggressively to prevent it. It's true that at 27 our youngest daughter was an adult and she chose to die, "I love you all but I can't live like this," she wrote, sitting in her car at Marks Tey station before throwing herself under an express train. But if she had lived, we believe she could have found a way of coping with her treatable but incurable illness, as others have done with the help of antidepressants and therapy. Two and a half years later our grief has grown scar tissue but remains infected with guilt and shame. Something waiting to happen was not prevented. Why? Perhaps the story of Zoë's death could help others. Bipolar affective disorder, as the ancient illness is now called, has been associated down the ages with originality and charisma, often with genius: Byron, Coleridge, Melville, Graham Greene, Virginia Woolf, Strindberg, Spike Milligan, Louis Althusser, Otto Klemperer, Stephen Fry, Vivien Leigh, Sue Lyon, Kurt Cobain, Francis Coppola …….

The illness is now regarded as a genetic neurobiological brain disease affecting one person in a hundred to some degree. Its victims swing inexorably, according to the Manic Depression Website, between "increased energy, restlessness, racing thoughts, rapid talking, excessive or euphoric feelings, extreme irritability and distractibility" and "a persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood, feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness…." Our mistake with Zoë was our refusal to see her eccentric behaviour as a symptom of mental illness - not just the familiar neuroticism of middle-class professional families. We had plenty of excuses because parents are required, above all else, to believe in their offspring. And Zoë had emerged triumphantly "cured" from an earlier bipolar episode when she was 18. It had begun following a bout of glandular fever just before her first term at Bristol. She ascribed her altered mental states to a chemical imbalance. At Bristol she was wild, bizarre, promiscuous and aggressive: she was sent down.

The depression which followed ended in her taking an overdose of quinine. We saved her - that time. With a minimum of drugs and 2 years of counselling she considered she was 'cured:' went back to college, achieved an MSC with distinction and told us. 'I've been to the bottom. I'm strong". We believed her. We blotted out the nightmare episode. Throughout her twenties her behaviour was mercurial - too many boyfriends, too much pot - but it always seemed on this side of acceptable. She did a pioneering job with United Response, a major charity, where her intelligence, charm and energy brought in more customers and money than anyone expected. "A sparkly, beautiful, vivacious woman with a keen sense of humour and a rare ability to engage with everyone she met," her boss wrote after Zoë's death. She was charismatic, compassionate, full of laughter and love. True she had a famously filthy temper.

Even when, as we know in retrospect, she was becoming manic again - her plans for her future became irrational and her outbursts of temper became physically violent - she willed us to believe in her. She brainwashed us. "Zoë is Zoë" we said, and so did her two brothers and two sisters and her many friends. If we questioned her, let alone criticised, she would march out and slam the door. The glass panel in our kitchen door still has a crack. So, brainwashed, we didn't think of manic depression when she punched her elder sister in a quarrel (Zoë was very strong) and, in another quarrel, bit through her younger brother's sweater onto his chest. Or when she almost killed her mother and best friend by crashing the barrier at 85mph on the North Circular in heavy rain. Zoë is Zoë.

She began smoking pot as more than a recreational drug and we later found from her diaries that she was taking cocaine as well, even while trying to build up a business of her own. A desperate attempt, we now believe, at self-medication. When her life began to disintegrate, she refused the offer of a job and went to Morocco for an indefinite stay. "Over the top" was how we all described her emails - deliriously happy in Morocco with a lover she planned to marry. "To the best parents, best brothers and sisters in the world" she wrote, inviting us to a holiday, which she lovingly planned for us in meticulous detail. Almost as soon as we arrived at Essaouira, she turned against us. In high mania, anyone who potentially brings you down is an enemy, and who is more back-to-earth than Mum and Dad? She acted crazy, haranguing the entire hotel with exalted spirituality mingled with obscene abuse, until the hotel manager gave us a choice - the police or the hospital. The local psychiatrist asked the obvious question: has she been like this before? Of course. Of course. No more denial. We had to sign a Section committing our daughter to the secure mental hospital in Marrakesh.

There they treated her (we checked it out) in exactly the same way they would have done anywhere else, with the same drugs to bring her "down." With help from the British Consul we got her home after only 12 days in hospital. Ten days later the depression we now expected set in which worsened by the week until Zoë became a hollow, silent woman. Again the drugs to bring her "up" were routine, the ones they use everywhere. Colchester General Hospital has a state of the art mental health unit and the specialist in charge visited Zoë at home once a week. She liked him. As weeks passed her depression refused to lift. She sat around all day. The drugs were changed twice without effect. We believed, as many friends and relatives told us, that she would "come out of it in her own time, when she's ready."

We cannot now forgive ourselves for reacting, some of that time, like normal parents when their unsmiling child is surly and irritable. After her death we found cardboard boxes of her diaries, cards, letters, memorabilia and photos. A bedroom full of clues. In the final depression she wrote little. One page in tiny writing: "…. a terrifying place. …Very difficult to describe which makes it harder for others to understand. The stigma is hard too… it's hard to imagine being out of it…. you feel you've gone mad even when you're lucid. Don't know what to do with myself. What to think? Where to start? Cannot envisage improvement in the future. Everything is quite frightening." Once or twice she tried desperately to break free, applied for a job, bought clothes, went for an interview. But it was hopeless: she had lost all her spark and confidence. Nothing could shake her despair. The psychiatrist had advised us to leave her alone but we wish we'd hugged her more often, even when she exasperated us. Asked how she was, she answered in monosyllables: "the same."

Many times we preached to her a gospel of hope which seemed only to accentuate her hopelessness. There was talk of admitting Zoë into the ward but she hated the idea and would surely have walked out unless she had been sectioned and nobody wanted that. There was talk of electroshock treatment which we discouraged, haunted by memories of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. In August the psychiatrist took his annual three-week holiday. He assured us Zoë would be well looked after. But in his absence she hardly spoke to anyone and was under the supervision of a junior psychiatrist of her own age. When the specialist returned, on August 21, 2000, he called a conference for the next day to start the "new strategy". Zoë was to be admitted as an inpatient on August 23. August 22 at 11 am: Zoë told her mother she was going to visit a friend. We had repaired her old car, which she had neglected, to give her some independence. Her real destination was Marks Tey, the first station up the line from Colchester, at the point where the London-bound express trains reach full speed. Zoë had told her mother a month earlier that suicide was "not an option."

Once again we were conniving with her - once more in denial. You cannot accept - it makes no sense - that a young woman who is clever, beautiful, talented, loved and witty should be in such pain and despair that she would end her own life. Because of patient confidentiality, we were not told what she said to the specialist but she apparently gave him the same assurance. We decided that if Zoë was not home by 8pm we would call the police. At 7.45 the police arrived. Her suicide note was on the dashboard. "To my family and friends…no one is to blame for my death… I love you all but I can't live like this. … I'm sorry. Please forgive me….I used to work and see friends a lot but now I can do neither because I can't function or communicate. I've been in hell for four months and I can't bear the pain any more……Zoë.' In her depression she had only read one book, which we had given her: Kay Redfield Jamison's The Unquiet Mind, the inspiring story of the author's struggle with manic depression until she became, with the aid of the drug lithium, professor of psychiatry at John Hopkins University. Zoë gave us back the book and said crossly: "there you are, you never get over it." She had given us a clue to her coming suicide which we hadn't recognised. Afterwards, her best friend said: "it was her pride which killed her".

Her siblings and friends were all forging ahead in careers and loves. Zoë knew that, in time, she could have lived an acceptable life. But she rejected the prospect of living under the shadow of lonely horror. She did not want a life with lithium. She struggled throughout her last depression and repeated: "I'm living behind a glass wall." She contemplated a future on medication. In her last diary entry she wrote: "….If I don't get better I will most probably have to accept a more humble job and more humble living arrangements than I would like… but make the most of things: I can work my way up….Have to accept that at 27 I am not 'set up' job/house/relationship wise. My friends will not reject me if I don't reject me.

The challenge is to be happy and true to my nature, through deep self-esteem because I don't have any strength at the moment and may not have for a long time if ever…" Neither she nor any of us could give her that strength. So she took the wrong decision. Looking back on her own life and career, Kay Jamison writes that she would rather have had manic depression than not, because the highs were worth the lows. Zoë, too, must have owed something of her joie de vivre, compassion and dynamism to her highs. She lit up a room when she entered. After her death a young woman who had met Zoë in Morocco wrote to us: "she made me understand for the first time the power of charisma. Zoë seemed to emanate strength, glamour and excitement. When we met she introduced herself to me, saying 'I have been watching you for days and I can see you are a genius and a poet'. She was seductive, hypnotic, and all consuming. For more than a week we were with her ... acting as willing participants in the dramas that were the actualisations of her instincts and imagination.

Zoë saw a horse on the beach that she felt was in pain. She was convinced that [her friend] Mohammed was spiritual and religious enough to heal the horse. She made him believe he had the power to heal, and for several days he stood with the horse whilst a congregation of Essaouirian drummers and singers created spiritual songs to aid the healing process, again at Zoë's behest.... Zoë was the director or author of a world that was at once coltish and miraculous, but ultimately too fragile, too raw to survive... My abiding memory is of her dancing to a song by the 'Mamas and Papas' which she had included on a compilation tape for her sister's birthday. She was dancing [with her lover Isham] in a way that I can only describe as ecstatic. She was performing, but she was so happy and in love that I know I was not the only person who had stopped dancing to watch her, and to think of my own comparatively realistic life as passionless and dry in the face of such intensity..."

Two days after her death 40 friends and relations came to sit round a bonfire on the lawn. They told tearful stories we'd never heard before, of how Zoë had helped, inspired and empowered timid people, especially the young. What if she herself had had better care and attention, if she had not felt so alone? Her death deeply shocked the staff at the mental health centre and they held an inquiry. We were not allowed to see the report but told its highlights informally: it called for a better anti-suicide strategy; parents who were also the carers must be given more support and told more of what passed between patient and doctor, in spite of patient confidentiality. We hope it also recommended that psychiatrists should not go on holiday leaving at-risk patients without equivalent care, and that more attention should be paid to an outpatient's ability to plan suicide while pretending that suicide is not an option.

For ourselves we conclude that parents, siblings and friends of bipolars need, before the crisis overwhelms everyone, to see it coming and find a way to persuade the patient to seek treatment instead of smoking pot from breakfast to bedtime. Zoë had tried to cope on her own, too proud to confide in her closest friends and family. And then, when the crisis happens, family and friends should not kid themselves that "she'll come out of it when she chooses." Zoë had tried but failed to overcome her despair and that left her, she thought, no choice. Could anyone have convinced her otherwise? We will never know. If only, while she was such a bundle of morosity and self-absorption, we had kissed her more often. [End]

The Cycle Path | top

"After reading The Cycle Path I came away with a better understanding of the issues sufferers face and of the opportunities."- Sir Nigel Crisp,
Chief Executive of the NHS

 “ Delightful and full of expression and pathos." – Sheila Johnson, Christian Herald

 Article: The Cycle Path of Suffering

Publication: Christian Herald Nov 2004

 ‘The Cycle Path’ is a semi autobiographical story written by first time author, Fiona Whelpton. What makes this an unusual tale is that Fiona suffers from a very rare mental health condition known as Conversion Syndrome Disorder.

Sufferers of CSD exhibit similar symptoms to Multiple Sclerosis patients, except that the limb paralysis is caused by heightened emotional states which result in the brain sending faulty messages to the central nervous system. Fiona’s case was so severe that she experienced episodes of interrupted walking, unconsciousness and loss of speech.

For four long years Fiona was unable to find out what was causing her symptoms, all medical tests proving negative. Then one day, quite by chance, Fiona switched on BBC Radio 4 where psychosomatic illnesses were under discussion. Her particular symptoms were tagged as being due to a condition known as Conversion Syndrome Disorder.

At last Fiona was able to get the correct medication and keep her condition under control. In preparation for her cognitive therapy treatment, Fiona was asked to keep a record of her emotional experiences and attempt to link them to any changes in her physical condition.

Fiona’s story is a record of her experiences handling her disability, and she hopes that in publishing her story she may not only aid her own recovery, but also to bring hope and strength to fellow sufferers.

Fiona says: “There have been many times when I have felt unable to communicate with people and felt misunderstood. I knew I could write about what it was like to be disabled, but had no intention of attempting to have anything published”.

Fiona was led to think about publication when hearing from a friend about Jason Pegler and his publishing company Chipmunka Publishing. Fiona saw that the company’s raison d’etre was publishing books or material about mental illness, the director of the company himself being a manic depressive. Fiona felt encouraged to send in her own manuscript for a second opinion. She was extremely surprised to receive an e-mail back from Jason, saying that he wanted to publish the book.

Jason says: “I have a great deal of admiration for Fiona. Fiona’s book and the way she helps others is inspirational to all of us, and proves that people with severe mental ill health can and do get better. The cycled path is also a reminder to us all that those who struggle through adversity and overcome it have the ability and positivity to help others who go through similar hardships. It is a must-read for anyone who feels sorry for themselves.”

Chipmunka Publishing is the World’s first patient-driven Mental Health Publisher. All of the books which the company produces are written by people with mental health problems, and are available to order online from the company website http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/.

Jason says: “Our books are changing the way the world thinks about people with mental health issues. We work with the government, the health service, mental health organisations, charities and private businesses to successfully publish and promote literature that brings a positive attitude towards mental health issues. I call mental illness that last taboo of the 21 st Century”.

The title of Fiona’s book ‘The Cycle Path’ not only describes one of her favourite walks which features strongly in the story, but also symbolises the journey towards wholeness. The poem which concludes the book is printed below with the author’s permission.

THE CYCLE PATH

As we travel on life’s journey
It takes us down a path
Of rich experiences – that mould us and
Make us into the person that we become
at the end of the journey.
The cycles move forward completing
Life’s cycle.
So we reach our goal and hold onto the journey of
Life’s rich promises.

The book deals with Fiona’s struggles as she tries to cope, first with a fairly uncooperative partner and then as a single mum. This proves doubly difficult as Fiona experiences sudden bouts of paralysis, unconsciousness and speech loss.

After the separation from her partner, Daniel, she meets a kind and sympathetic man called Peter, but this relationship also seems doomed to failure and ends in Fiona having an abortion. But the book concludes on a strong note as with out the emotional stress a relationship Fiona has, for the most part, been able to regain her physical health, leaving the worst of the symptoms behind her.

Since writing this book Fiona has been able to attend a postgraduate journalism course and do work experience at Chipmunka Publishing. She has also been able to write various feature articles about mental health issues, and in March 2004 received the coveted Snowdon Award which helped to fund her journalism course.

At the end of the course Fiona would like to travel to Europe , to do some investigative journalism into the state of mental health services abroad.

Fiona says: “I had no idea that God would turn my life around and that so many doors would swing wide open in the way that they are now doing. One verse from the Bible kept coming back time and time again: ‘I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans for a future and hope’.”

Sheila Johnson is a journalist based in Cheltenham .

Article: Fiona’s on the ‘Write’ Path!

Publication: News from the Forum Nov 2004

The newsletter of the Dunkirk & Lenton Partnership forum.

Recently, Lenton-based journalist and writer Fiona Whelpton landed a prestigious media award to study at a top journalism school in London , where she is taking a part-time postgraduate NCTJ (National Council for the Training of Journalists) course.

After receiving a grant of £2 000 from the Snowdon Awards Scheme for disabled postgraduates, Fiona was invited to an awards ceremony on 17 17th March at the House of Commons in Westminster , and presented to Lord Snowdon. She was accompanied by her publisher and work experience supervisor, Jason Pegler, of Chipmunka Publishing.

Fiona’s career in journalism began while she was a mature student reading English Literature and Media Studies at Nottingham Trent University , where she contributed to the Student’s Union newspaper, Platform.

After graduating in 2003, Fiona sent her creative writing dissertation – entitled ‘The Cycle Path’ – to Chipmunka, specialists in publishing work by writers who have experienced mental illness and physical disability. Fiona’s piece is a partly fictional journal focusing on mental health and disability issues.

 Fiona says, ‘I was flabbergasted when I got an e-mail from Jason Pegler, offering me a two-year contract. For the dissertation we’d been told to write about real life experiences. I’d spent four years of my degree being unable to walk off and on. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I wrote the book in desperation. It helped me to regain my confidence. Even though I have always dreamed of becoming an author, I never dreamed thought that my first piece of work would be accepted immediately’.

Fiona’ book is set in Lenton, and the title refers to the cycle path behind Abbey Bridge . The story features various local haunts, such as Unity House, and locals may even recognise certain personalities!

In Fiona’s words, the book is about ‘close encounters of the third kind’ and a ‘romance with a twist’. Sounds intriguing…!

Fiona is currently doing an extended work placement with Chipmunka as a freelance journalist. The Cycle Path is due to be published on 10 10th October 2004 . It will be available to order from all major bookshops or online at: http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/

Article: Celebrating The Cycle Path

Publication: News from the Forum, No. 27, Oct 2004

 The newsletter of the Dunkirk & Lenton Partnership forum.

 Local author Fiona Whelpton's first book, a novella entitled The Cycle Path, is being published by Jason Pegler , author of A Can of madness and CEO of Chipmunkapublishing, the world's leading publisher of books on mental health. The official publication date is set for 8 October when copies of the book will be available from the Chipmunka website, www.chipmunkapublishing.com, and all good bookshops.

Jason Pegler says “The Cycle Path is a remarkable story about Fiona Whelpton, who suffers from a rare mental health condition known as 'Conversion Syndrome Disorder'. Causing heightened emotional responses, CSD makes the brain send faulty messages to the central nervous system resulting in limb paralysis: the symptoms are identical to Multiple Sclerosis. Fiona's case was so severe that she experienced episodes of interrupted walking, unconsciousness, and loss of speech... In order to prepare for cognitive therapy treatment Fiona was asked to keep a record of her emotional experiences and try to link them to changes in her physical condition. Shocked by the scarcity of material on CSD, Fiona realise that not only would writing help her recovery, publishing her story will give other sufferers hope and strength in the face of this rare condition. More widely, Fiona hopes general readers will gain a unique insight into the experience of living with disability thus dispelling some of the myths and prejudices which surround it.”

 Jason continues “I have a great deal of admiration for Fiona; her book and the way she helps others is inspirational to all of us and proves that people with severe mental ill health can and do get better. The Cycle Path is also a reminder to us all that those who struggle through adversity and overcome it have the ability and positivity to help others who go through similar hardships. It is a must read for anyone who feels sorry for themselves. They will see how Fiona has been through so much but keeps bouncing back. The Cycle Path is also essential reading for anyone who has Conversion Syndrome Disorder or is in a position of caring for people with the condition in the NHS and further afield.”

There will be a Chipmunka book launch on 12 October at Unity House, Church Street , Lenton, where Fiona will be signing copies of the book. She will be supported by friend and fellow Chipmunka author Dolly Sen , author of a book on schizophrenia, called The World is full of Laughter. Dolly Sen is a world-famous performing poet, who has recently returned from doing a poetry reading event in Waterstones in Amsterdam . She is making a detour to attend the Nottingham Mental Health Awareness Week's Chipmunka events, especially to support Fiona, during her national poetry tour, and will be doing a special performance at the Royal Festival Hall in London on 16 October for World Mental Health day, which is on 10 October.

There will be a cheese and wine reception party in Unity House from 7pm onwards, to which all are most welcome, which will also be attended by local poet Steve Plowright. Fiona will be presenting a copy of her book to the Sheriff of Nottingham at the main Nottingham Mental Health Awareness Week's launch in Duncan Macmillon House, Mapperley, on 11 October. The Arts Council of England has awarded a grant to fund the launch and to enable Jason Pegler to attend and talk about the creative arts and mental health. Jason's own book, A Can of Madness, is an autobiography about manic depression and is being made into a mainstream Hollywood film.

Fiona has also been invited to appear on the BBC's East Midlands Today, to talk about Nottingham Mental Health Awareness Week and using the creative arts to help people with mental health difficulties. Nottingham Mental Health Awareness Week, and Chipmunkapublishing, aim to reduce the stigma and discrimination experienced by those with mental health problems by educating the public. The team from the BBC will be filming at the end of September, to go on air as near to 10 October as possible.

Article: Making Minds our Business

Publication: Nottingham Evening Post, 09/10/04

NOTTINGHAM EVENING POST .

MY WEEK

Fiona Whelpton of Lenton is the author of The Cycle Path, which tells of her struggle With Conversion Syndrome Disorder, a rare Condition which can cause periods of paralysis, LIKES: Music. I’m from a musical Family, and I have always loved it . And I’m interested In literature and media. My degree is in English and Media studies. DISLIKES: I’m fairly easygoing , but if there is one thing I cannot stand it is loud noise. I don’t find it easy To manage stress and loud noises cause stress. Sunday is a family day , which I spend with my Mother and my son, who is 13. I have taken three months Off a journalism course in London so that I could work on Editing and launching the book and promotional work, including A signing at WHSmith in Lister Gate last weekend. Writing the book has been both a physical and mental therapy, and my Publisher thinks I will benefit for having more responsibility. I have started work on a novel, which I need to give some time to next week. I’m still at the stage of working on the basic idea and developing some of the Characters. I tend to hand write my first drafts, because I find it frees my imagination. However, I work on screen once the actual writing process is under way. The novel will be about mental health , but will be more fictional than The Cycle Path. THE CYCLE PATH is published by Chipmunka at £10 £12 mail order from www.chipmunkapublishing.com.

NOSWEAT NEWS,

Conversion Course: Valiant Fiona adds book to successes

To talk to Fiona Whelpton is to be taught a lesson in how to convert difficulties into success. The ex-noSWeater, who scooped a Snowdon Award which enabled her to come on the noSWeat course, commuted from her native Nottingham twice a week for the duration of her course.

But a tough journey was not the only difficulty with which Fiona has had to contend. For thirteen years she has suffered with conversion syndrome disorder, a psychological condition brought on by anxiety, the cause of which is little understood. But the symptoms are all too real for sufferers.

Now Fiona has written a book about learning to live with the condition, and her interest in journalism has come full-circle, as she was approached by East Midlands Today, on the lookout for a story about Nottingham Mental Health Awareness Week.

Fiona’s book, entitled “The Cycle Path” was launched on October 12th. Fiona is in the driving seat for the promotion work and has been on local radio (Jason , information has been got wrong here ) She hopes the book will promote a more positive attitude to disability, and raise awareness about the things people with disabilities have to put up with. She says “The message of my book is to help others. If I can help one person cope better my mission will have been completed. No-one takes any notice of you normally, but put a few words down on a piece of paper, and everybody goes berserk.”

Her advice to fellow students: ”Be determined and reliable, and people will notice you and opportunities will come your way.”

The Cycle Path is a remarkable story about Fiona Whelpton, who suffers from a rare mental health condition known as ‘Conversion Syndrome Disorder’. Causing heightened emotional responses, CSD makes the brain send faulty messages to the central nervous system resulting in limb paralysis. The symptoms are identical to Multiple Sclerosis. Fiona’s case was so severe that she experienced episodes of interrupted walking, unconsciousness, and loss of speech.

Not knowing the diagnosis of her condition for four years led Fiona to try to find out as much as she could about what might be causing her symptoms. Switching on Radio 4 quite by chance she heard a discussion about psychosomatic illnesses describing her symptoms exactly, their subject was Conversion Syndrome Disorder. At last, after four years of tests proving negative (one of the main symptoms of the condition), Fiona was able get the correct medication and started to improve immediately.

In order to prepare for cognitive therapy treatment Fiona was asked to keep a record of her emotional experiences and try to link them to changes in her physical condition. Shocked by the scarcity of material on CSD Fiona realise that not only would writing help her recovery, publishing her story will give other sufferers hope and strength in the face of this rare condition. More widely Fiona hopes general readers will gain a unique insight into the experience of living with disability thus dispelling some of the myths and prejudices which surround it.

During the Cycle Path Fiona experiences great forms of anguish including difficult pregnancy, abortion, being a single mother, domestic violence and describes the pain of her condition with much pathos. What makes the reader want to read on is Fiona’s forgiving nature and the positive way that Fiona is able to keep moving forward and battle successfully with the condition. I have a great deal of admiration for Fiona. Fiona’s book and the way she helps others is inspirational to all of us and proves that people with severe mental ill health can and do get better. The Cycle Path is also a reminder to us all that those who struggle through adversity and overcome it have the ability and positivity to help others who go through similar hardships. It is a must read for anyone who feels sorry for themselves. They will see how Fiona has been through so much but keeps bouncing back. The Cycle Path is also essential reading for anyone who has Conversion Syndrome Disorder or is in a position of caring for people with the condition in the NHS and further a field. Fiona’s book will be available to order from the Chipmunkapublishing website at http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/ and from all good book shops world-wide from the 8th of October.

JASON PEGLER -  CEO of Chipmunkapublishing

Delusions of Grandeur | top

Introduction This is a book of the thoughts going through a patient who is suffering from a psychosis. To my mind there is absolutely no other book that demonstrates this in view of 25 years of research. It is a gripping novel of the fantasies of a mind that has lost control of reality. Frederick walks into a psychiatrist office and begins to tell his ordeal of what has happened to him at the hands of the Ministry of Defence when they extract information from him in order to save the world from nuclear devastation. Apollyon, an archangel, comes to mankind's rescue and uses Frederick to carry out his master plan. The book goes into the depths of despair and then into pure euphoria. Is this really a story of a mind out of control, or is this book prophetic of our future? This book is inspiring and no other has been written to parallel it.

Don't Look Back In Anger by Phillip Pettican | top

“An amazing and heart rending story.”– On the Grapevine

Name of Article: My Experience on the Radio, by Philip Pettican

Publication: National Voices Forum

On the morning of world Mental Health Day 2003 I was nervous. I have never had much confidence – thanks to my serious ‘mental health’ problem and waiting to be led into the studios of BBC Radio Norfolk didn't help much. Two weeks previously I had taken a copy of my book ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ into the studios in the hope of getting publicity for it’s forthcoming release on October 10th. Now, here I was sitting opposite Louise Priest waiting to be interviewed about my autobiography. Louise is very well known locally because she used to present the local news show on T.V. She is a very nice lady and she did her best to put me at ease.

Despite the nerves I think I answered the questions quite well. She was mainly interested in my illness and it’s history. As fellow sufferers will confirm, schizophrenia is a very difficult illness to explain but I soldiered on and hoped I was giving an interesting account of my story as related in my book. At the end Louise gave me a hug and said I did very well and wished me well for the future. When out if the building I lit a cigarette and gave a sigh of relief – glad it was over!

“A chilling story on the realities that a diagnosis of schizophrenia brings. The more people that are brave enough to step forward the more we can promote a positive image on mental health. Only then will the promise of the mental health genre of literature be fulfilled.” – Jason Pegler, founder of Chipmunkapublishing

“Phil’s story is touching and poignant. He was an ordinary guy, serving in the Navy and working as a builder, before mental distress turned his world upside down.” – Dolly Sen, author and mental health activist

Name of Article: ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ by Phillip Pettican

Publication: On the Grapevine, Volume 2, Issue 1

 So find below a review of "Don't Look Back In Anger" By Phillip Pettican. This autobiography tells the amazing and heart rending story of what it's like to be diagnosed in reality with Schizophrenia.

He talks about the first emotional upheaval in his life was his Father leaving home and eventually divorcing his mother. During his time growing up he talks about the terrible isolation, low self-esteem he suffered In his formative years. He talks about his time in the Navy and becoming a builder.

Phillip goes in great detail and insight about the terrible bouts of depression he suffered, plus panic and anxiety attacks. He recalls about the times he struggled with the thoughts of about harming himself and others. He talks about the obsession of finding the lady of his dreams and the various holidays he took to find her. Another occasion he talks at great length about being told he was possessed by the spirit of his grandmother and the strange behaviour that occurred.

Phillip recalls the very moment in his life he actually needed help from mental health services. He talks about the many friends he has made and lost throughout life’s journey. He mentions the great debt he owes to his family for always being there when he needed them most.

Finally he is now using his experience of mental distress to improve mental health services and the lot of service users. I salute him for donating the profits from the sale of his book to the Voices Forum, user voice of Rethink.

By Magpie Marx.

Full Circle | top

Chapter 3. The "crime" for which I was incarcerated was for acquiring a then (in the early 70's) unrecognised neurological condition called dystonia - a movement disorder similar to Parkinson or M.S. It is possibly genetically linked and affects an area of the brain called the basal ganglia. This misfires and sends out incorrect messages to muscles in the body inducing unbidden movement and tremor.

It can be focal and affect only one part of the body. In my case the area around my neck, vocal chords and head or it can affect the body as a whole. The sufferer is contorted in to many grotesque and painful positions. The brain, the intellect, the sufferer's capabilities remain intact but the outward appearance of (a cruel word used by many in my youth) a spastic, is an outward symptom, over which the individual has no control.

It has, in the last decade, been recognised by leading neurologists, as a physical disability. In years before, a presentation of such inexplicable symptoms was regarded by physicians, as a psychosomatic disorder. Hence, the patient was extricated from the realms of medical diagnosis into the vacuity of psychiatry. It was "all in the mind". Sufferers cannot perish from dystonia - not in the physical sense, but many having been convinced by eminent psychiatrists or psychologists that they , have the power within to put an end to this attention seeking behaviour.

Hence, many afflicted with Dystonia, can suffer a cruel and torturous psychological "death". Many sufferers, having received such messages, have indeed proceeded to commit suicide - rather than live, stigmatised and shamed by physicians and family. I felt this shame. I felt the contempt of those who attended me. I was 16, I was a child - a frightened lonely child in a world of adult condemnation. These physicians/psychiatrists were the experts - what did I know? I didn't want attention - not attention of this kind. I wanted unconditional love and reassurance. I wanted to be like my peers - to take my "A" levels, to go to university.

That had been my life-plan. Yet, this assumed need for attention was the diagnostic conclusion from the medical fraternity. Yet, why couldn't I bring cessation to these physical symptoms that made me feel so "different", so "grotesque"? I wanted to blend into life - into life as I had known it in my early teens. I think when I felt most ashamed, most humiliated, was when I was on the receiving end of the dreaded ward round. I had to present myself at this, in person. I can remember my heart beating wildly within my chest, in fear, as my "turn" grew nearer. I'd knock and enter a soulless clinical room and immediately, all eyes were on me. It felt like a judge and jury court appearance with me as defendant on charge.

The psychiatrist, ancient yet revered by his juniors, sat in judgement dressed in long white coat and half-moon spectacles. They (my jury) sat around in a circle. They only spoke if bidden by the "judge". I sat on a hard wooden backed chair in the centre of the room. The discomfort of the chair and the fear of my condemners - psychologist, ward sister, occupational therapists, students increased my physical symptoms.

My head would tremor; my spasms increase; my voice shake and falter, but this was seen as evidence, to my jurors, that my symptoms were psychosomatic and attention seeking. Why, when the occupational therapist was invited to give "evidence", why when I was more relaxed and less aware of being observed weaving those endless baskets or wicker stools, which filled the tedious days of "captivity", why were my symptoms less pronounced?

Little Steps| top

Forward for Little Steps - Surviving Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa by Katharine Wealthall I considered it a privilege to be asked to read this very informative, powerful and erudite journey from anorexia nervosa to the point of almost suicide and through, as Katharine put it, to recovery. There are too many issues that this book raises that I can refer to in a forward. Nonetheless, there are a whole host of lessons to be learnt by those people who consider themselves to be the professionals, not the least as it was put by Katharine when given a questionnaire by a psychologist and that is, 'do they not realise that anorexics lie?'

Very soberingly, of course, she makes the point that 1 in 20 people who suffer with anorexia nervosa will die as a result of their illness and without appropriate treatment. As far as hospitalisation is concerned, the reflection on her time in hospital when she was watching One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest and others watching stood up to get their medication, is pretty bizarre even by today's standards. Very little seems to have changed since the years when I worked in a psychiatric hospital. One only has to read the case histories of people like Lorna, Jo, Steve, Kate etc. to understand just how difficult this disorder is. Having said that, it is astonishing that almost without exception there is criticism of the present mental health services, for example, delays in treatment i.e. treatment not until one is 24, 34 or even 44 when in fact the illness itself manifests around the fairly early age of 12 - 16.

Steve highlights the isolation of a male sharing what he called a female illness. The overwhelming message is one of hope. Hope that people will start to listen to those service users who know best the problems they face. Hope that self help groups etc. will support people particularly at the most dangerous period and that is immediately after treatment, but above all one of hope within each individual. Each of the case histories indicate that there is a hope and a trust in recovery and it is to be hoped that once in recovery 'losing weight no longer becomes a way to disappear.'

Mick Ford - Chief Executive West Norfolk Mind February 2005

Living With Mania| top

FOREWORD

A detailed personal account of 25 years living with mania, the 'high side' form of manic depression. It includes the main events in my mental history, details of the periods during and around my two formal breakdowns and my efforts to cope with the many manic episodes. More recently, I report on my reduced ability to cope with continuous concentration and/or fast data inflow to the brain. In five appendices, I analyse the component structure of the manic episode; my lifestyle ideas for coping; the social problem; a comparison with the formal definition of mania; and final reflections.

My broad objective in this account is to write down everything that may be relevant to my problems with mania, explain my reasoning and detail my actions to reduce its effects. And to lighten things up (if possible!), I'll include any amusing anecdotes along the way. I have no medical or psychiatric training, or any qualification to help me in tackling this task.

I shall use some fairly obvious pseudo-technical terms such as: adrenaline up, going high, head temperature, over the top, delusions, cooled down, washed out, etc. But the key term will be the cycle from normality into mania and back, which I believe is correctly called, 'a manic episode'. Finally, I've not named the many medical professionals who've grappled with me over the years. My opinion of their performance, particularly during my more manic periods, must be considered 'somewhat unreliable!'

Living Without Marbles | top

Living Without Marbles is a moving personal story on manic depression that empowers the reader by its warmth and positve a-z of mental health. Well done Claire. Your book will help a lot of people.

Jason Pegler CEO of Chipmunkapublishing.

Love Is A Spider's Web by Queen Irena | top

…Thank you so much for your wonderful book ‘Love is a Spider’s Web’. Thought I would just express to you in writing to encourage and inspire you as you have me… I am sure one day soon your book will not only be published, but that it will also be made into a box office hit!... Keep up the good work. I am very proud of you. You are truly a High Priestess to look up to. Don’t stop writing the world needs you.

Jenessa Qua – Performer at The National Theatre

Once you start reading, it feels like a roller coaster journey leading you through paths that make your muscles tense, relax and gives the ‘Ah!’ feeling. A truly memorable read.

Velmer McGregor – Teacher and community activist

The Madpride Anthology | top

“The surprising thing about this book is how compelling it is”. – The Guardian

 “Tough, uncompromising, subversive and very funny”.– Mind

Saturday May 13, 2000
The Guardian

Mad Pride: a Celebration of Mad Culture
ed Ted Curtis, Robert Dellar, Esther Leslie and Ben Watson

HAMLET: Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?
FIRST CLOWN: Why, because he was mad; he shall recover his wits there; or, if he do not, 'tis no great matter there.

"It is important to get inside the heads of the mad," said Roy Porter in
Mind Forg'd Manacles, his study of the treatment of the insane in
Restoration to Regency England. "For one thing, their thought worlds throw
down a challenge... for another, if we are to understand the treatment of
the mad, we must not only listen to pillars of society... their charges must
be allowed a right of reply."

And here it is: an anthology of 24 authors describing their internal
condition, the treatments they've been put on, and how they have (or have
not) coped. From the blurb: "Mad Pride is set to become the first great
civil liberties movement of the 21st century. Sick of discrimination,
marginalisation, medication and being treated like shit, psychiatric
patients are preparing to rise from the ghettos and make the world a fit
place to live in."

The introduction points out: "This book is published at a time when the
British government is proposing to enact one of the most despicable and
shocking threats to civil liberties in living memory," in which Jack Straw
promises to save us from all the loonies by locking them up before they've
even done anything wrong. ("We are all born mad," said Beckett; "some of us remain so.")

The surprising thing about this book is how compelling it is. Real madness,
I thought, was not that interesting; and one of its most depressing
attributes is the tendency of the mad to write any old thing, at ostentatious length. A pathological condition is mistaken for insight. But, in context - that is, in a book written largely by the mad, and not as some hopeful manuscript landing on the desk of a reputable publisher - the pieces work.

I do not want to single any out in particular - for one thing, I have no
desire to be pestered by someone who thinks that this book has been noticed because he or she set fire to a photo of Aleister Crowley in a laundry cupboard of Friern Barnet Hospital - but the life stories of these people are affecting despite the second-hand nature of their hallucinations. There is a large number of bus drivers represented here, which has made my bus journeys more interesting, I can tell you. There is even a contributor from Elsinore. So I can't quite recommend this book as literature; for that you'd want to read Gogol's Diary of a Madman. But it does something that I have not seen literature do for a while: it gives a section of society (or, rather, a sectioned society) a voice which we can hear and listen to, if we choose. Meanwhile, think on one of the verses from Robert Burton's Frontispiece to The Anatomy of Melancholy:

But see the Madman rage downe right
With furious lookes, a gastly sight.
Naked in chaines bound doth he lye,
And roares amaine he knows not why?
Observe him, for as in a glasse,
Thine angry portraiture it was.
His picture keepe still in thy praesence,
Twixt him and thee, ther's no difference.

Name of Article: User and Carer Perspectives: Back in Stock. Publication: Mind Publications Catalogue: Autumn Winter 2004/2005

Mad Pride: A Celebration of Mad Culture

Edited by Ted Curtis, Robert Dellar , Esther Leslie and Ben Watson

Tough, uncompromising, subversive and very funny, this is an anthology of the accounts of 24 authors and the experience of madness. They boast about wild things they have done, and share their accounts of liberation through madness. This collection celebrates madness in all its forms and as a force for social revolution.

Chipmunka Publishing 2004

Mind Boggled top

INTRODUCTION

In these pages you will meet a woman Survivor, and enter the context of her life experience, including health systems over 70 years, and educational, cultural, religious, legal and political systems in England from 1929 to 2004. Most writers are comfortable with written language, with their own style of expression, and the matter of the story they are telling. This 'book' came about in spite of the writer's 'psychiatric history' of which she was ashamed before meeting other Survivors.

This writer had a chequered career with words, language and communication; and no confidence in her ability to find her way through the forest of relationships that constitute life on this planet. Post Traumatic Stress, number and sequencing Dyslexia and mild autism were not recognised in 1931: she was labelled unstable, odd, neurotic, psychotic, and impossible. Mental distress due to numerous kinds of suffering is at last finding its individual voices to confront the swamp of institutional misconceptions in which we flounder (practitioners and users alike). We are finding evidence that the 'disciplines' applied in treatment are often based on untested theories of those employed to control 'disturbance', who have explored their own minds without listening to the patients' accounts of their experience. Generalised findings have resulted in categories of 'symptoms', such as schizophrenia, bipolar and personality disorders; but we still have very little knowledge of how these different patterns of metabolism, development and communications skills evolve - how to enable troubled minds to cope.

My own thinking has only now, at the age of 75, been sufficiently freed from the various cover ups and coping strategies I used to side step stigma, and the many different pathologies attributed to my condition along the way, to allow me to find my own mind again. A fellow Survivor says, "I do not view any expression of distress as pathological, or intrinsically a psychiatric 'problem'. She underlines the need to design a more appropriate system and language to think about distress, one common to all parties. It feels odd to make this plea, as a person with a specific kind of learning difficulty that obscures the clarity to formulate a model; but it is a joy to be able, at least, to ask that our experiences be taken into account, alongside the many theories.

Internal and external referents both contribute to an accurate construct about self and others; therefore I can be told my experience is not the way you (professional) see things, so long as we are both able to compare views of what, how and why we have come to this place; and work out where we stand in the social scheme of things; how it can be accepted (by both) or changed. I have only just started to see the possibilities of applying all these insights earlier in our lives and with more effect, in both conventional and alternative treatments. We are only at the very beginning of a breakthrough.

FOREWORD

Books often have a Foreword. I wish I could start with the sounds and images of memories before I knew what words were. But I can only put things together from what I remember now. The saying, "Her life is an open book", ties in with the concept of a book as a life story, history, and confession of inner experience. Before 'words' can represent a person's experience and carry communications between people we use our body to 'speak'; early non-verbal memories may be lost to conscious recall but persist in the way we move and react to stimuli. I'm looking backwards: so where I am now is the Actual Beginning, although it is quite near the End (if there is an end). I suppose you could say there was a beginning to my particular perception of life on Earth; and the fact of that perception will end altogether when I cease to breathe. If anyone reads this, a bit of my perception will live again.

The Books I read once spoke to me louder than life. I assume I 'heard' an expression of the perceptions and thoughts of the people who wrote them. 'The Book' also promises to the naïve a power it cannot deliver, that they may enter into experiences and posses knowledge that is not their own by living it. In religion, entertainment, and information of every kind, I have only now learned to cross reference author, context, my own assumptions and habits of thought and language; and observe whether the author has a need to 'preach', be right, and/or to seduce or influence a following of admirers. With the help of a word processor I can re-order my unconventional sequence of words and logic of thoughts as they come out in the writing; I begin to understand what my 'dyslexia' does with communications. Now I can adjust the words to clarify the expression of my thoughts as I mull over the experiences they represent. My perception is mediated by my neural network and set in a wide range of emotional 'states', coloured by mood changes; as I read I colour the experiences described.

Dyslexics have a poor working memory and reverse things; I can't hold the shape of numbers arranged on a page. A book slows down my processes and allows me to refer back if something doesn't make sense. The word processor allows me to change what is on the screen until the speech it represents sounds right: both sound and script carry meaning. I have a friend, Jenny, who is a different kind of dyslexic; she just doesn't remember things and doesn't make the connections she needs to understand how things and people function, though she reads a lot and observes well. A 68 year-old Upper Middle Class single parent of one boy, she had a nanny, a governess, and uncomfortable parents. I am a Middle Class paraplegic divorcee with three children; at two my head and neck were injured in a car accident. I then lived a stormy existence with troubled parents. We compare experiences. I was sent to Doctors, she to Psychiatrists. We both acquired (various) 'mental health' labels and lost any confidence that we would grow into acceptable women. We both clung to Christian (and church?) ideals. Her capacity for missing connections has helped me to realise it is true we remember our childhood more vividly as we age, and want to come back to the centre of who we are.

The human capacity for mirroring amazes me. We are mirrors for each other; we have a mirror image of ourselves; we understand the physics of light bouncing back off a shiny surface with the apparent reversal of the image; now we have seen how holograms work, we can even store those in the memory bank. That is as Mind Boggling as my original nightmare Bogeyman who threatened to kill me if I told anyone about him. Maybe the Bogey, the Mirror, and the Omnipotent Child's fantasy of controlling its world are related. How the majority of people see things is a mystery. Jenny thinks 'being a Christian' demands some fairly inhuman attributes. I tried to create my own world while attempting to survive in this one. I believe this 'majority' is a convenient and statistical political invention - like requiring us to produce lots of children so 'they' could recruit big armies and hold the most favourable territories (for our benefit of course!).

The point is - we want to clarify how we see things; and how much we were Boggled, into seeing what we were told we should see. Words chew our experience up into separate bites so we can recreate it. Let's imagine how it would be if we could communicate thoughts and concepts directly, hold all our experiences clearly. Before Words I saw a face, mother, carer. I saw light and dark alternating. I felt warmth and cold, excitement and tiredness, hungry pains and wind, kisses and human hands touching me. I smelled milk, pooh and talcum powder. I rolled over, crawled, pulled myself up to a standing position; then I walked! I heard voices, all kinds of sounds, music and lawn mowers and car engines.

At last I sorted out the words the voices were speaking and learned to copy them. The grown ups usually get quite excited when we learn to talk. But grown ups often forget how they used to see things; or perhaps tell themselves it wasn't important. With all the changing forms of language since the time Before Words, speech can lose connection with the original processes it is expressing; then it creates a world of its own, a separate function. Talking and writing are only the beginning of what we call communication, which is as long a story as the history of the World. And in our amazing dreams all worlds can live together, we can move around in time, experiment with weightlessness, do the impossible; and fail to do the possible without repercussions.

In dreams there's much concern about loos and sex (the shrinks were right about potty training); in mine there are also tones of feeling, qualities of love, tricks of light, unfamiliar sensations, distortions of space and time; and subtle shades of meaning. It has been suggested that some 'psychotic' experience resembles dreams? As I am released from the habits of 'self' denial, guilt, intellectual confusion and evasion, I look back at a false body, only able to feel pain, and a sense of losing both people and meaning. That body believed it was 'wrong', and I punished it with the labels of 'odd' and 'bad' that were put on it.

I had tried to be all the contradictory things I was told I should be - with very little success. The life I eventually found by painting trees is now mine, pain is only physical, and there is no imperative to push myself to breaking point in the hope of social and personal acceptance. Words have become my friends and I am learning to really 'communicate' with them, instead of defending myself with other people's texts.

The Necessity of Madness by John Breeding | top

John Breeding PH.D has woven his own thoughts into a wide array of sources to expose the shadow of modern psychiatry. More importantly he provides clear information and guidance for positive perspectives that support human transformation.

Jim Moore - Counsellor with the Texas Department of Mental Health and Mental Retardation.

John Breeding's Necessity of Madness is a work of genius. He has a unique understanding of the damage that psychiatry causes society.

Bill Taylor - Washington Post

Article: A Review of ‘ The Necessity of Madness’

Publication: Yvonne Poulson - Southwark Mind

The other Chipmunka books I have reviewed are stories of the distress of individual women who have survived in spite of the health systems, often with the help of fellow Users.

John breeding is a psychology graduate in the USA who became aware of psychiatry when a 'mental health worker’ with 'disturbed' children. Age 28 he had a breakdown and worked on himself outside mainstream mental health. He intended to become a Catholic priest until his teens, this would account for the 'spiritual' aspect of his thinking. Then, as a parent he learnt that you are continually faced with a choice of suppressing your child or transforming your life.

He was in a position to see the psychiatric system from both inside and outside; he gives an overview that shows how lamentably it fails us. I could itemise the areas he covers but you need to read if for yourself. I language, social conditioning, ECT, drugs, various processes of emotional recovery, spiritual emergence and transformation, it's all there.

He tells the story of a talented thirty-year-old woman from a dysfunctional family to illustrate the core of his argument. Being a man he makes certain assumptions about Cindy's expression of her underlying trauma that I would question, namely visions of her brother being tortured; this shortly before the said brother, a priest, persuaded the psychiatrist there were grounds fur her 'involuntary commitment'.

Breeding quotes Thomas Szaz: - "Psychiatry's aim has always been, and still is, to help a relatively more powerful person - primarily the denominated patient's parent, spouse, or other relative - by disqualifying his less powerful kin whose behaviour troubles him as 'troubled", which is to say mad, and by incarcerating the victim defined as a 'patient' in a madhouse." What he perhaps cannot see is that women are always in a less powerful position economically and emotionally, also in respect of the drug free pressures of a 'community' in the kind of society that turns from religion to psychiatry to exercise control.

Nevertheless, in all other respects he has great suggestions for ways to improve understanding and healing practices.

Review by Yvonne Poulson

Poems of Survival by Sue Holt | top

“The spontaneous outpourings of a mind in pain .” - Phillip Clements, writer, broadcaster and retired priest.

 Name of Article: Sue Finds the Write Way to Beat Illness

Publication: The Rochdale Express, 28.3.03

 Writing poetry to beat mental illness has earned success for a Wardle woman. Sue Holt, of Crossfield Close, has had a collection of her work published.

Through Poems of Survival, Sue Holt, of Crossfield Close, hopes to promote the work of other writers who have faced the same challenge. Mrs Holt was diagnosed as manic depressive 12 years ago. She has been sectioned at Birch Hill Hospital ten times. In 1998 – the year she was forced to retire as a social worker – Sue admits that she considered suicide. She was discharged for the last time in 2000, when, she says, she finally accepted that she was ill. In the same year, she took the plunge, and began to write. She joined a poetry group at the mental health charity, Mind, and they were immediately impressed with her work. She contacted publishers after seeing an advert in the Manic Depression Fellowship Magazine.“I carried on writing for a year and got to the stage where I couldn’t write anymore,” she said. “Basically, I believed that God was talking to me and the poems are my way of putting that into words. They are about my life.”The book contains 50 poems written by her and is published by Chipmunkapublishing, which deals exclusively with books relating to mental illness.

The collection can be bought from the publisher’s website, http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/, priced £12 or on order from bookshops.

Name of Article: To the Readers from the Author Sue Holt

Publication: Healthy Life Styles

Healthy Life Styles is a Mental Health Survivor’s website .Article available at: http://www.healthy-life-styles.com/forum/chipmunk.htm

Chipmunkapublishing publishes stories by people who have suffered with mental ill health at one time or more in their lives.  They empower mental health survivors by publishing work that major publishers too often ignore.

I have just successfully had a collection of my poems published. I was diagnosed with Manic Depression in 1990. Over a period of ten years I was in and out of hospital frequently. In 2000 I picked up a pen and began writing initially to help me to come to terms with the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was faced with on a daily basis. The words flowed freely and helped me greatly.

Confidence in myself and my poems grew and I began to show them to others. I was told that they could possibly help those in a similar position, and perhaps those struggling to help someone they love. People also told me that they relate to what they read. For me at that time in my life it was easier to express myself on paper than in actual words.

The above book is called "Poems of Survival," it contains roughly 60 poems. You can read about Chipmunkapublishing on http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/ and also read a poem from my book, and also order copies.

It is a real hope that this will empower people to turn their own circumstances around. One of the goals of this publishing company is to reduce stigma and discrimination on mental health. And it is working towards promoting a positive image of mental health and bringing down the last taboo of the twentieth century. It does this by empowering survivors of the mental health system and informing businesses, organisations and the public of how people who are affected by mental distress feel.

Name of Article: Poems are Sue’s Survival

Publication: N/A

A Wardle woman, who writes poetry in her fight with mental illness, has had a collection of her work published. Through ‘Poems of Survival’, Sue Holt, of Crossfield Close, hopes to promote the work of other writers who have faced the same challenge. Mrs Holt was diagnosed as a manic depressive 12 years ago. She has been sectioned at Birch Hill Hospital ten times. In 1998 - the year she was forced to retire as a social worker - Sue admits that she considered suicide. She was discharged for the last time in 2000, when, she says, she finally accepted that she was ill.

In the same year, she took the plunge, and began to write. She joined a poetry group at the mental health charity, MIND, and they were immediately impressed with her work. She contacted publishers after seeing an advert in the Manic Depression Fellowship Magazine. "I carried on writing for a year and got to the stage where I couldn't write anymore," she said. "I had a lot of thoughts in my head that I couldn't make sense of and nor could anyone else. Basically, I believed that God was talking to me and the poems are my way of putting that into words. They are about my life."

The book contains 50 poems written by her and is published by Chipmunkapublishing, which deals exclusively with books relating to mental illness. "I saw it for the first time this week and it is a great feeling," she said. "I started writing for myself and it seems unreal to have a book on sale with my words in it. "Now I hope it encourages others to do the same." The collection can be bought from the publisher's website, www.chipmunkapublishing.com, priced- £12 or on order from bookshops.

Name of Article: Poems of Survival Review

Publication: On the Grapevine 20th Nov 2003

 Poems of Survival by Sue Holt. ISBN 0954 221 893.

This exciting collection of poems by a manic depressive who is Christian, and published by a house specialising in books by and about mental illness, raises two questions: - what is poetry? and What is it like to be a manic depressive clinging on to belief?

The first question can easily be answered. Poetry is what you want it to be, and certainly the spontaneous outpourings of a mind in pain are precisely what the author feels and expresses. For an insight into the condition of manic depression or ‘bipolar disorder’, and particularly when trying to understand it through Christian belief and living, a kind of answer is provided by these moving verses. Only the sufferer knows what it is like, and as a manic depressive myself, I can empathise with her and vouch for the authenticity of this collection. One recurring theme is the feeling of being alone. Sue writes of “endless days spent in bed alone…..”

But this is not the same as being solitary. That can be welcome. It is the feeling of isolation through being ill. “But in the insane world I occupy, my usefulness is smallness itself alone in the dark…”

Sue Holt writes out of her experience in hospital, indeed locked in confinement at times. Her poetry is often a conversation and a continuing self-questioning, particularly when looking back to memories of her family, and also to memories of abuse that she suffered.

She acknowledges the existence of God and of future hope that will redeem her. She writes in ‘Broken Chains’ of fresh discoveries she has made of God, and of God sitting on “the edge of the pit”. This seems remarkable. My own reaction was feeling desertion by God at the worst of times. But for her, God “leapt into darkness” alongside her. In this poem there are touches of the 23 rd psalm, but then the psalmist might have experienced similar suffering as many creative people have.

The author takes us painfully into the abyss of suffering as in the poem ‘Deathly Dark’, she writes “the abyss waits patiently, waiting for the next victim…” She writes too of “the abyss gaining strength, Devouring, Consuming.”

She tells of good days of heightened sensitivity, but of days “just too good”, a hint of the extreme excitement of the manic end of the illness’s spectrum. The colour and the almost frightening vividness of the imagery of “Dragon Slayer” is another description of mania, as in another poem “Manic Mind”.

The author’s poetic technique is of secondary importance to its imagery and meaning. It is free verse, one might say ‘wild’ verse, but she clearly enjoys the sound of words, so the rhyming is not obvious, there are cadences particularly in the vowels, so the impression is of a kaleidoscope more than of an artist’s palette.

Sue reveals so much of herself, of her longing for love, of her pain, of her awareness of God. Her honesty is clear. Perhaps out of her depths and through her poetry, she is helped in the search for salvation. She writes;

“She continues to sob and rock with pain. She has been left alone….. I hear her whisper that God will hear her..”

In ‘Revelation’ she shows that God is interwoven with her condition. There is another interesting question which she raises for any believer so afflicted… “Is God a helper and is he sometimes a symptom?” This is explored in her poem ‘God’s Voice in my Head’.

Manic depression is about extreme fluctuations of mood, so there are paradoxes in the writing, sometimes optimism and at other times, pessimism. There are instances of great beauty as in “Lonely Boy” and sometimes a savagery of description.

The author clearly contemplated suicide and describes this helter skelter in “ Unswallowed Pills”.

The poems are seeking after self, a search for sanity and the hoping for loving relationships not least with God. Other themes explored are her therapy, the timelessness of her illness, anger, pain and reality;

“Oh! How I wish you could see my pain
Deep in my mind….’ And she also writes of the ‘ceaseless chatter in my mind….’

Mercifully my own illness has not been as bad as Sue Holt’s, but I can say that I have found points of contact with her poetry, and her writing will increase the insight of anyone who has not so suffered.”

On one occasion when I was ill and under treatment, I went to see the local parish priest. One thing he said which still shocks me was that “a breakdown does not bring glory to God.” Such a comment was far from the compassion and understanding of Christ. After reading ‘Poems of Survival’ no Christian could ever think that. There is glory in this verse, but it as Christ’s glory usually was in the incarnation. For the sufferer, this illness is binding but its utterances are wonderfully free.

Phillip Clements,

Retired Priest, Writer and Broadcaster, November 2003

Name of Article: Sue Holt author of ‘Poems of Survival’ writes for Mental Health Today

Publication: Mental Health Today

I began writing poetry in 2000. The poems followed on from over eight sections beginning in 1997 that cumulated in a six month section 1999-2000.1 believed that in all that time I, Sue Holt , was not being listened to by those around me. I was told on a daily basis what I was meant to believe.

One day in frustration I picked up a pen and began to write. The words poured from me, giving voice to my anger, pain and utter confusion. As the pen skimmed across the paper the hurt overwhelmed me, at times drowning me, yet I knew within I needed to feel my pain and allow myself to heal. Feelings, thoughts and emotions erupted within me, cascading into words I had been unable to face a hundred times before. I began to find my voice, a voice that had been silenced so long ago.

Tentatively, I shared my first attempts and was encouraged to continue, as others felt similar emotions and feelings. I wrote never thinking of what may be, yet hoping one day I would see my own work on my bookcase. Eighteen months later I stopped writing as suddenly as I started. Part of me believed that was the end. I explored methods of having my book printed, even thinking of asking my husband to buy me an expensive 40th birthday present. Then Jason Pegler and Chipmunkapublishing came along. Yet for me to send some of my poems to a perfect stranger was an almighty risk, not in what may come of my poems but opening myself up to scrutiny to another human being. My concerns were unjustified; Jason treated my work and me with respect.

Amusingly, though some people I know thought I was taking too much of a risk sending all my work to a guy who at this stage I had only spoken to via e-mail, I responded that I was trusting God that everything would work out. When Jason contacted me to say he wanted to publish my book I was overwhelmed as fears and doubts began

The purpose of my book is to offer hope to those who have received a diagnosis of a mental health problem and to show it is possible to offer hope to those who to live a valuable life to creep in. The subjects in my book were kept secret for a long time. I often feared talking to people as I had too many skeletons in the closet, and it was safer to not talk than one of those make an appearance. Here I was opening the door and revealing all that was within to the world. That was a terrifying thought. With God's help I saw that by doing this I could be totally free to be honest both with others and myself.

‘Poems of Survival’ to me is more than a book. First, it represents a part of my life that is past and it also represents me reclaiming my life. Being diagnosed as mentally ill, I was practically told what I was allowed to believe and think. I believe God 'talks' to me. I believe God helped me to write my book and heal me. I was told I have 'religious delusions'. I chose not to believe this, and my book helped me to begin to say ok you have your opinions and I will have mine, I will no longer try to impose mine upon you so therefore please will you not impose yours on me.

All proceeds from ‘Poems of Survival’ go back to Chipmunkapublishing in the hope that others may be encouraged to develop their creative abilities and in the hope that the current negative ideas both within psychiatry and in society surrounding mental illness can be shattered.

Sue Holt

Name of Article: Poetry rescues Sue from pit of despair

Publication: Manchester Evening News, 04/04/03

Just six weeks after her first son was born Sue Holt was in a psychiatric hospital. Care worker Sue had never suffered but plunged into manic depression after the birth. However, the clouds have now lifted after Sue underwent bouts in hospital and finally got her life back on track – using the power of the pen.

Sue, 35, from Wardle in Rochdale , started writing poetry to release the feelings and has now published a book entitled ‘Poems of Survival’. It was 12 years ago that Sue’s joy at giving birth to her son Thomas suddenly gave way to the onset of depression.

She explained: “It was so sudden – six weeks after the birth I was sectioned. It was quite horrific, I didn't know what was happening to me. I had never suffered from a mental illness before and it was the people around me who realised what was happening to me. After that I was sectioned eight or nine times, it was a terrible time.”

Sue started writing after waking up on January 1 2000 and accepting her illness for the first time. She said: “I believed that at the millennium God was going to change the World but, when I woke up on January 1, I realised nothing had changed. It was then that I accepted for the first time that I was ill. I came out of hospital but I couldn't talk about my feelings, they were all bottled up.”

“So I picked up a pen and it all flowed out – there was such a sense of relief. I didn't think they were any good but when people read them they said I was writing what was in their minds.”

Sue now hopes to write a book about her life and to take an art course. She added: “My husband and family and friends have been very supportive. I am very lucky but there is definitely still a stigma attached to mental illness. I wrote the poems for me but I hope they will help people understand something of what bit is like to live with a mental illness.”

‘Poems of Survival’ is published by Chipmunka which specialises in work by people with mental illnesses. Sue has decided to give all proceeds back to the organisation to help other writers. The volume is available for £12 online at http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/.

By Clarissa Satchell

Sue Holt's collection of poems is inspiringly open and honest. It takes the reader on an emotional journey, at times painful and at others, full of joy. Behind Sue's writing shines the power of faith, hope and courage.

S.Marshall "Having a Voice"

Sue Holt's poetic journey takes us across her rock-strewn life path. We return, footsore and heart-weary, to stand beside her as she diligently polishes the mirror of her own reflection. And we are glad.

Prof Phil Barker, University of Teeside and Trinity College, Dublin

Self Harm; edited by Louise Roxanne Pembroke | top

Self harm is harrowing for those who do it and for those who have to stand by and watch while a loved one suffers. To most of us it is inexplicable. However Louise Pembroke’s book gives us a clearer picture of what self harmers go through – how they think and react.

Name of Article: Self Harm: Perspectives from Personal Experience

Publication: Southwark Mind, April 2004. Review by Yvonne Poulson

Louise Roxanne Pembroke edits this collection of 7 testimonies. She gives a clear and detailed account of treatment she was eventually given for her distress, in a hospital; this led to her first self-harm as she observed cruelty to fellow patients. Senseless diagnoses and descriptions that do not relate to the patients’ experience are common to all testimonies. This is not peculiar to self-harm as a coping mechanism, but occurs throughout the system resulting in inappropriate treatments.

Those like Maggy Ross, who died in this struggle against a system based on obsolete models of human function, blazon the need to rethink the language in which we are defined, the procedures with which we are treated, and the principles on which mental health care is practised and taught to the next generation. Dysfunction must depend on knowledge of the function that is supposedly ‘abnormal’. Maggy said she wanted the chance to get in touch with the child in her, through psychodrama, and understand it from an adult perspective – and a lot of nurturing. She describes the relief, purging, when she sees the blood run; she has deflected the painful memories again.

Each experience is different, as is always the way individual people cope with damage, even though there are common elements in the physical mechanisms. Each instance of self-harm has its own history and purpose. Louise is eloquent on the misuse of a convenient term ‘attention seeking’, borrowed from child development jargon in which it refers to a child’s ploys to get desired attention from a carer. How this very useful skill becomes distorted when carers abuse their charge in various ways is part of the clinical misinterpretation.

She also points out that many different kinds of altered perception are lumped together as ‘hallucinations’, and describes the reality of her own experiences. She speaks of alternatives, support groups, advocacy, crisis services, short-term sanctuaries without diagnosis/treatment/drugs/sections; she observes the increasing stress on undergraduates, homelessness, massive debt, and the possibility of unemployment after graduation. Sadly, we live in a society where stress is turned back on ourselves.

Andy Smith says, “Major tranquillisers contributed enormously to my need to self-harm. The ability of these ‘medicines’ to limit one’s range of expressions to monosyllabic muttering is astounding.”

Diane Harrison gives us a vivid poetry portrait of a denied abused child; also the mirroring effect that so often makes it impossible for another person to look lest they see themselves there. Marie, in a Special Hospital , tells us, you get stitched up without any painkilling injections. No one takes any interest in why we do these things. We’re just another label and another number. Helen was bullied at school. Before she can stop self-harming she needs to feel self-worth and become assertive. Rosalind Caplin, after long exposure to the shared pain of a punitive regime, is at last making links between inner and outer reality. She sees this searing feeling as having a positive creativity, also her will to live. May we all encourage this ‘will to live’.

Very Idea (The) | top

PREFACE

I'm the One around whom everything revolves. I'm both the Son of the Devil and the Son of God in one. I like it that way. Mine's a very broad breadth. Mine's a story as shameful and pathetic as it is celebratory and visionary. Care to read on...

Why Me? by Tony Hurley| top

I have not met anyone who has had so many diagnosed illnesses as Tony both mental and physical. He has had up to four specialist consultants looking after him at one time, and in turn they have had to meet each other (a strange proceeding for a consultant).
Tony has been widely travelled; he has made many friends and lost many relatives. He has had many different jobs both humble and varied. He has had periods of unemployment but never idle taking Open University courses and passing even when unwell.
Tony despite all the illnesses remained cheerful, full of good humour and fun in any company. His attitude to the poor hand nature has dealt him is an inspiration to all who are privileged to know him. This book is an illustration of him.

Alan Mitchell (First Chairman of the Manic Depression Fellowship)

“Why Me” is a very enlightening account of the experiences and struggles of one person to cope with a severe mental illness. The account clearly highlights the impact on everyday life, and enables mental health workers to gain an insight into life in the ‘outside world’ away from psychiatric services. It also provides a good insight into a ‘users’ perspective. The book highlights the nature of the illness – how it can take over without the individual knowing what is happening. The negative effect of lack of knowledge, explanation and understanding is also highlighted.
Despite his illness, a recurrent theme is Tony’s hopefulness, drive and determination in work and academia – he has made huge achievements and demonstrates persistence I working towards his goals. The important role of social support as a ‘life saver’ is clear. Tony has had to contend with not only mental but serious physical health problems. The feeling of stigma and lack of knowledge within the general public is also clearly expressed.
Tony has had a life long fight and the ending is moving when he says that he ‘never will be able to control the impact of this illness, never be prepared for its next attack, and never be able to repair fully the damage it wreaks’. However, the book clearly illustrates that the illness cannot take away individual qualities and character.

Anna Solly – Clinical Psychologist

Name of Article: Stories from Award Winners: Chipmunkapublishing

Publication: No Limts LSE, Issue 7, Oct 2004

 The newsletter for UnLtd in London , the South East and the East of England

Launched in April 2002, Chipmunkapublishing, set up by Award winner Jason Pegler, is the world's first patient-driven Mental Health Publisher. Jason started the social enterprise after writing his own autobiography on living with manic depression entitled ‘A Can of Madness’. After writing about his own experiences saved his life, Jason wanted to give other people with mental health issues the opportunity to have their voices heard by having their own books published. This form of patient empowerment has led to Jason and Chipmunkapublishing appearing in major national newspapers, radio and TV stations.

As Chipmunkapublishing has grown, other books have been published written by carers and academics, and anthologies have been brought back into print that other organisations could not afford to keep circulating. Since receiving his UnLtd award, Jason has been inspired to set up the Chipmunka Foundation and strong partnerships have been formed with The Big Issue, Rethink, Sane, Community Action Network, KPMG, the DTI and others. Jason says "the aim of the Chipmunka Foundation is to assist people with mental health issues, of all nations, to reduce their suffering and humiliation and to help normalise mental health so that it is no longer a taboo".

For more information on Chipmunkapublishing titles and the Chipmunka Foundation visit http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/.

One of the books published by Chipmunkapublishing was written by UnLtd award winner Tony Hurley. ‘Why Me?’ tells about Tony’s effort to overcome manic depression and was written to help others in a similar situation to be inspired by his story.

“Any one of the tremendous challenges which Tony has faced… would have crushed the spirit of most people, and could well have crushed his. Unbelievably, however, he has faced them all with his courage, determination and humour and still has the energy to tell his tale.”

Chris Youle, Senior Counselor, OU

 Name of Article: How I Beat Depressive Illness

Publication: Hounslow & Isleworth Informer, 02/08/04

 By Victoria Raymond

A manic depressive this week celebrated the launch of a book he hopes will help others who suffer from the illness.

Tony Hurley’s autobiography ‘Why Me?’ is a poignant account of how being a sufferer has affected him physically, mentally and spiritually and wreaked havoc on his life and relationships.

In it he describes the misunderstandings which blighted his life for more than 20 years, before his long-overdue diagnosis and treatment. “I commenced the project as a form of self-help to try to unravel and come to terms with how mental illness had sabotaged my life,” said Mr Hurley, of Worton Road , Isleworth. “Until recently, manic depression was little understood and frequently misdiagnosed and mistreated.

“I wanted to work through all the twists and turns of a lifelong illness and embarked on a process of learning, understanding and a sense of how to help myself”. Mr Hurley hopes the book will help and guide fellow sufferers, carers, professionals and the general public.

Name of Article: Autobiography Aims at Understanding Manic Depression

Publication: Hounslow, Feltham and Hanworth Times, 23/07/04

Brentford and Chiswick Times, 23/07/04

 An author from Isleworth has written an account of his experience of being a manic-depressive in order to help others suffering from the illness.

Tony Hurley, of Worton Road , celebrated the launch of ‘Why Me?’ on July 22 at St. Margaret’s Church Hall in Twickenham.

The book is an autobiographical account of an illness which has until recently been little understood and frequently misdiagnosed and treated.

In his autobiography Mr Hurley describes how he passed through the threshold of misunderstanding which had blighted his life for over twenty years into the release that eventually resulted from long overdue informed diagnosis and treatment.

Mr Hurley told the Times: “I commenced on this project as a form of self-help – to try to unravel and come to terms with how mental illness had sabotaged my life. I wanted to work through all the twists and turns of a lifelong illness, manic depression, to try to see how it had and does alter my physical, mental and spiritual states, and how it has and does wreak profound affects on my life and relationships.”

“On this voyage of self discovery and illness I have personally embarked on a process of learning, understanding and a sense of how to help myself. As this process is in motion for me I can see how I can further develop this into something that will help and guide others: these include sufferers, carers, professionals, and the public at large.

“My aim in writing it is twofold, to enable a greater understanding of manic depression in particular, and mental illness in general… of the many different manifestations and transgressions that result from landing on a life… how they create havoc in their uninvited, unexpected and misunderstood capacities… how their threat can be minimised before the event through compassionate understanding and treatment.”

The book is published by Chipmunkapublishing and all royalties received from book sales will be donated to charitable causes. Copies can be ordered from Chipmunkapublishing’s website at http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/.

Who Cares? by Jean Taylor | top

“A truly inspirational read” – Launchpad Magazine

“This is a story about mental health carer, survivor and activist. Jean is an inspiration for women who have experienced domestic violence. I am full of admiration for her.” - Jason Pegler, founder of Chipmunkapublishing

“This autobiography exposes the profound lack of civil liberties for the mentally ill and the absence of a fully dutiful mental health commission and protective statute and no proper community care.” - Robert McDougal, historian

Name of Article: Jean’s Message to other victims

Publication: Blackpool Post

 New book aims to inspire abused women to speak out. By Helen Priest – Health Writer.

A Blackpool woman who left her one year old son behind after allegedly suffering a barrage of domestic abuse has written a book to in­spire other women to speak out. There was a time 73 year old Jean Taylor feared for her life at the hands of her husband. The brave mother spoke out at her South Shore home offering help to do­domestic abuse victims - so they will not have to go through the same pain which in Jean's case eventually led to a severe nervous breakdown.

Under a Bill published yesterday, men or women accused of domestic violence will face court orders forcing them to stay away from their partners, even if acquitted in court. Solicitor General Harriet Harman, said the new Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Bill would create a ‘yellow card’ system as one of many measures to protect people from abusive partners. The Bill is the first domestic violence legislation in more than 30 years.

Back in 1948 Jean Taylor fled from her abusive husband, leaving behind her young son, Ken. She said. "It was very different in those days because things like domestic abuse just weren't talked about. It was brushed under the carpet and everyone left it alone. "Nowadays women need to know that there is an option and there are all sorts of places they can go."

Dreadful. Jean became a child-bride at the age of 18 and had no idea her husband-to-be would cause her so much pain. She said: "I was very naive and I know now if they hit you once they will continue to do it. 1 had no choice but to leave. "I couldn't take my son with me because I couldn't have kept him. I had nothing but the clothes on my back when I left. I lost my stall on the Promenade and I had no money at all. "It was a dreadful time but I knew my son would be all right. My husband hit only women. He wouldn't touch my son." More than 50 years on, Jean's book, entitled ‘Who Cares?’, reveals a lifetime of pain as well as an important message to women who are going through similar experiences. She said: "I've tried to contact Ken twice but I've had no luck. Part of me wrote the book to get the truth out in the open and it would be wonderful if Ken could read it. "It was important for me to encourage women to speak out. You can't keep these things in. I suffered from a massive nervous breakdown at the age of 54 and I'm sure it was a result of my past." Jean later became a mental health carer and campaigner.

Name of Article: Who Cares? Review

Publication: Southwark Mind Newsletter

‘Who Cares?’ by Jean Taylor, Review by Yvonne Poulson

 Historian Robert McDougal states in his foreword,

“This autobiography exposes the profound lack of civil liberties for the mentally ill and disabled and the absence of a fully dutiful mental health commission and protective statute and no proper community care”.
As I read, Jean takes me through the chaos of not knowing’, and the struggle to make sense of crazy social, economic, religious and health systems. No account was taken at the birth trauma, forceps delivery and the cord around her neck, through which she entered this world of the Depression and World War II; ignorance, superstition and silence did not help this courageous child. Sometimes her narrative is difficult to follow; but her direct, almost spoken language, takes me straight into her troubled confusing experience. She says, ‘Who cares?’

Her father was violent, her mother often ill, but her grandma, a sturdy loving woman, saw and held her through fear and depression as a child; and
later in life helped with her daughter and sick mother. (Her husband battered her. After the birth of her second child by another man she was depressed; the Doctor said she had an anxiety neurosis – hardly surprising?) When her daughter was about 13 she began to think the idea girls who see violence in their father tend to pick similar men, surely applied to her.

Friends, men and jobs came and went; nothing lasted. And then her dear grandma died. When she was finally taken into hospital, weighing 5 stone 6lbs, ‘the system’ kept her alive. In mental hospital she was given was given drugs and ECT over 12 years. Her treatment was changed without her knowledge and consent and behavioural therapy was refused - she was not considered ‘suitable’. I’m sure this stigmatising, destructive story is familiar.

But thanks to the User Movement Jean found her own behavioural therapy by reading, campaigning, speaking in public and on radio and film: she spoke eloquently about the degrading experience of ECT and was appreciated by all the people she worked with. Peter Breggin’s book Toxic Psychiatry, informed her protests about drugs. She confronted unfair blame by her family. She nurtured her psychic sensitivities and studied spiritual healing. She practiced Yoga and Tai Chi and went swimming; she played her keyboard every day. She writes that she hopes this book has the therapeutic insight she intended it to have.

All her hard work on her own self understanding, and with her fellow sufferers, culminates in a heartfelt statement. “I now love myself and as a result of this other people love me too.” To me that is the most valuable therapeutic insight of all: thank you Jean.

Jean’s book underlines most of the points made in the Mind Manifesto about drugs inadequate diagnoses, the interdependence of physical and mental health, the need for a social model that takes account of housing, education and training, financial support, and the role of childhood abuse both deliberate and accidental. Her example helps to break down stereotypes and
remove the stigma.

Name of Article: ‘ Who Cares?’ By Jean Taylor

Publication: Launchpad Newsletter

 A truly inspirational read!!

It gave a great insight into the struggle of mental illness and a women’s perspective on her own depressive illness and a number of abusive relationships. This book takes you back to the 1940s whereby Jean writes the peaks and troughs of her life.

You become interested in how Mental Health services ran in those days and relieved that things have improved twice fold! No Mental Health regulations, no community service and poor treatment whilst in hospital. How did service users manage?They didn't! If it wasn't for Jean being creative, I don’t think she would have found the strength to carry on despite the hardships in her life.

With community support Jean may have never seen hospital again, her daughter was her only real trusting support, I feel Jean was neglected by her social worker who was supposed to talk and discuss Jean’s future with her, rather than attending the ward round on her behalf. However, it was interesting to read there were a number of day centres up and running, which Jean accessed.

Jean was right in saying ‘no one can go it alone’, every person needs friends and support mechanisms in place to be able to ‘recover’. However, this must also be what the individual wants! (Quite right!).

This book gave me an insight into one lady’s struggle which women still experience today, as nurses we can increase our understanding of other’s emotions.

I have pointed out a few aspects of this book that intrigued me and some of the questions that are raised whilst reading it. I'm sure you'll find your own.! This book is motivational and brings to your attention the services we currently have in place and new ways to improve our practice within the workplace!!

By Dipty Patel

This is a story about mental health carer, survivor and activist. Jean is an inspiration for women who have experienced domestic violence. I am full of admiration for her.

Jason Pegler – Founder of Chipmunkapublishing

This autobiography also exposes the profound lack of civil liberties for the mentally ill and the absence of a fully dutiful mental health commission and protective statute and no proper community care.

Robert McDougal – Historian

The World Is Full Of Laughter by Dolly Sen | top

“This book started out as a possible suicide note and ended up a celebration of life”. – Dolly Sen

 "Raw, harrowing and compelling. This is a worthy addition to the new genre of mad memoirs."- Robert Dellar , Mad Pride

 “The frankness and ironic humour kept me turning the pages”– Liz Main , Mental Health Today

 “Thought-provoking, stark, brutal and exhilarating”– Anne Mathie, Mind Out

 “ An outstanding memoir about surviving childhood abuse and severe mental illness.” - Mind

 “Dolly’s powerful and moving memoir tells her terribly difficult story in an astonishingly frank and honest way which, don’t ask me how, somehow manages a streak of irony and dare I say it, even humour. It is an incredibly honest and determined account to record her personal struggle with mental illness.” - Barry Watts, Mind.

 “Dolly's memoir is a work of genius. Step aside Germaine Greer! Dolly's book and subsequent work in the film industry is providing real empowerment for women kind.”- Jason Pegler, founder of Chipmunkapublishing

Name of Article:Laughter Piece

Publication:Launchpad Magazine

 Dolly Sen - The World is Full of Laughter, ISBN 0954 221 8 1 8

 I've recently written a ‘mad’ memoir about my experiences with child abuse and severe mental illness. So people are puzzled when I tell them the title of the book: The World is Full of Laughter. That’s a strange choice of title of a book that is soaked in pain, they say. But part of my recovery was learning how to laugh at my pain. Woody Allen once said, “Tragedy plus time equal comedy”, and I'm beginning to agree with him. In fact, I think pain is the only thing we humans laugh at, because we have to.

Just think of a mental health professional you have no time for, tripping over in the street and falling face first into some doggy dogg There's a smile creeping on your face, isn't there? What psychiatric drug can equal laughter? Make 2003 the year of your laughter. Forget about 2003 being a new year, every breath is a new life, another chance to start afresh. Too many mental health service users lose their friends to suicide. Society's prejudice, cruel childhood's, lonely mental distress, and an inequitable mental health system stole their laughter. Don't let it take yours. Being a patron has certainly put a smile on my face!

By Dolly Sen, patron of Launchpad, service user & author of “The World is full of Laughter”

 Name of Article: Writing Well

Publication: South London Press, 10th October 2003

Dolly Sen, - The World is Full of Laughter, ISBN 0954 221 8 1 8

The fact that one in four people suffer from mental health problems at some point in their lives is surprising to some. But not to Dolly Sen. The Streatham author knows exactly what it’s like to survive serious mental illness – she’s written a book about it.

Today is World Mental Health Day, so Dolly told health reporter Jon Ryder why she wanted her story to be heard

 Dolly Sen says her book, The World is Full of Laughter, started out as a suicide note, but ended up saving her life. She was 14 when she had her first psychotic experience, forcing her to drop out of school. After that she was hospitalised twice, tried to kill her, and was diagnosed with manic depression and schizophrenia. Perhaps that’s not the sort of thing people are expected to admit, but Dolly, now 32, disagrees and that’s why she put it all on paper. “The truth is painful but it has got to be said. Your life shouldn't be a dirty secret. “People with mental health difficulties are embarrassed about it because there is such a stigma attached.”

She said most people only find out about mental illness when someone is attacked, but if there is more awareness, perhaps things wouldn't get that far. “I attempted suicide a couple of times and I know I wouldn't be alive today if I didn't have the chance to tell my story.” And she is proud her book has helped others cope.

“People have told me it has brought about a positive change in their lives and that’s the best thing you can hear.”

Dolly, of Hailsham Avenue , has travelled the country speaking to other sufferers and plans to tour South London schools to educate youngsters because she said she had no idea what was happening to her when she was a teenager. And with suicide rates among young people on the increase, she says people need to realise they are not alone. “It is difficult enough being young in this world, but much worse to have mental health difficulties as well. Things can get better with support from professionals or from family.” ‘The World is Full of Laughter’ is available from http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/ or by order from bookshops.

Name of Article: The World is full of Laughter

Publication: Government’s Mindout Campaign

Dolly Sen, The World is Full of Laughter, ISBN 0954 221 8 1 8

Campaign ambassador, Dolly Sen, has published her moving memoirs. ‘The World is Full of Laughter’ is an inspiring story of Dolly’s experience of her mental illness and her use of laughter to help her overcome even the most painful of situations. This frank account is a commanding read. You will not be able to put the book down as you accompany Dolly on a roller coaster of emotions. It is a harrowing story, but you'll see it is Dolly who has the last laugh. In Dolly's own words, “This book started out as a possible suicide note and ended up a celebration of life.”

‘The World is Full of Laughter’ has been published by Chipmunkapublishing. Chipmunkapublishing and its sister charity, Equal Lives, have been set up by survivor and writer Jason Pegler, and seek to help all people who suffer from mental stress. Log onto http://www.chipmunkapublishing.com/ to read the opening chapter of ‘The World is Full of Laughter’ and for more information on other titles published by Jason. You can also order books from the site.

Name of Article: The World is Full of Laughter Review Publication: Mental Health Today. The World is Full of Laughter - Dolly Sen

There’s been a lot of laughter in Dolly Sen's world, but not much of the kind worth celebrating. She learned the world was playing a joke on her pretty early on in life. Indeed she began this autobiography as a suicide note, but somewhere along the way real laughter crept in and the book turned into a celebration of life as well as a memoir of madness.

The book describes Sen's journey from her abusive childhood in South London (she describes being an extra in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ and how she thought it was a documentary) through psychiatric wards and care in the community, narrowly avoiding Broadmoor, and how she learns to stand up to her violent father and cope with her manic depression.

It covers some tough territory – ‘Honesty is atrociously painful,’ as Sen notes – but it isn't a hard read. It isn't for the fainthearted or those who don't like swearing, but the frankness and ironic humour kept me turning the pages. I did laugh and I cried, and this is the book I'll give to people who want to know what madness is really like. But it's also a book about forgiveness and recovery and finding a reason to laugh out loud and that's what makes it stand out.

Liz Main

Name of Article: ‘The World is full of Laughter’ Review by Anne Mathie

Publication: Mind Out. The World is Full of Laughter. Dolly Sen, Chipmunkapublishing.

Dolly Sen is a remarkable person. Persecuted at an early age by a father just for being born, Dolly learned to absorb the abuse and the violence and became subservient and eventually mentally ill. I felt horrified imagining the punches her father landed on her small frame and shocked as she later contemplates killing him.

She grew up with her musician/film extra/alcoholic father constantly dragging the family down, learned to be her mother’s ears and the helper and protector of her siblings. She had a life no different from the family dog. From an early age her father beat and berated her.

There are few moments in Dolly’s early years where she was content, but when she was, it had nothing to do with other people. As an extra on ‘The Empire Strikes Back’, seeing the various aliens and monsters, she thought it was a documentary.

Her illness developed and quickly took hold and, yet again, Dolly was suffering. This time, a new suffering from within, to the point where I thought it would consume her entirely but her resilience and self-preservation kicked in. Now Dolly is an independent woman with everything going for her, except her illness, but even that has made her the compassionate forgiving, shining person she has become. She shows her contempt for the establishment and you tend to agree with her, the profanity doesn't touch you because Dolly's anguish already has. She succeeds because of that contempt.

I can't say enough about this account, it was thought-provoking, stark, brutal and exhilarating. It takes you on a roller-coaster of emotions, her poems haunted me. I found myself rereading them for an understanding of how someone feels who is so low. Well worth the read.

Anne Mathie

Name of Article: Dolly Sen Writes for Mental Health Today about “The World Is Full of Laughter” - Publication: Mental Health Today.

 I say of my book that it started out as a suicide note and ended as a celebration of life. How could that be? Writing your life story does so much for you. It gives you the opportunity to reflect, it empowers you because you have nothing to hide any more. I have said to people, with my book in my hand: 'I can close the book on my painful past now.' This may sound flippant but a strange thing happened when I first read my book after it was published. When your pain is inside you, along with your bad memories, it is easy to self-hate. But when I read my book, I felt an immense empathy for all the characters in my book, even for myself, and I had a better understanding and respect for my life. I went through shit, made a lot of mistakes, but I could see I was only human, a person with the right to be happy, who could laugh and love.

Also, it's so cool to sign copies of the book for people and to hear people say that reading the book helped them. That's the best thing about it and makes me glad of writing a book that I had thought once maybe exposed too much.

During my worst depressions writing gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. Would I still have carried on writing if I never was published? Of course I would. One of my favourite writers, Charles Bukowski, said of writing: “It is the last expectation, the last explanation, that's what writing is.” A plain piece of paper won't judge you, criticise you. And above all it won't lie to you. If you can't say what needs to be said face to face, write it down.

People with mental health problems who are able to should think about either writing their story or at least telling it. Their lives shouldn't be what they think are dirty secrets they have to hide. One woman shook her head sadly and said: 'I can't, it's too painful. And besides, nobody wants to hear it.' That's what I thought once. I now know that to be untrue. People, men and women, young and old, rich and poor, have taken me aside after reading my book and say, sometimes with tears in their eyes: 'This happened to me too... but please don't tell anyone that it did.' This is painfully sad. Because I think if you don't share it positively, it'll manifest somewhere else, in your body, in your relationship to others and the world. For example, it can be seen in some people's eyes; they try to smile, but their eyes don't believe it. Their eyes are telling their story - something about their life always will. So you might as well have some control over it.

For me creativity gave me control in a world where, because of a diagnosis, I had no control. A South American poet said: 'Take away someone's creativity and you take away their humanity. Give someone back their creativity, and you give back their life.' I found this to be true while writing my story, and every day after too. My creativity is my lifeline. As long as I can create I can live deeply. Chipmunka's books have saved lives. It certainly saved mine .

Dolly Sen

 Name of Article: Support and Care

Publication: Mind Publication Catalogue Autumn Winter 2004/2005  The World is Full of Laughter. Dolly Sen.

“This book started out as a possible suicide note and ended up a celebration of life”, writes the author. The result of her work is an outstanding memoir about surviving childhood abuse and severe mental illness.

Chipmunka Publishing, 2002

 Worry Go Round (The)| top

Personal Statement - Melanie Cross

I was a happy, educated, hardworking person who lived a 'normal life', or so it seemed to those around me, until one day my life fell apart and I found myself in the grip of severe depressive illness. I had always assumed that it was the blight of the melancholic or the self pitying, but I was proved to be completely and utterly wrong. I fought a long, hard struggle with the illness, and through a fantastic amount of determination, and an ongoing battle with myself to not give up, I came through it and I am still here; happy, educated, attractive, smiling and living to tell the tale. I made a conscious decision not to be embarrassed or ashamed of my illness or the actions I took to make myself better, and freely talk about my experiences of this largely taboo subject to anyone who asks about it. The more people I speak to, the more I realise that there are thousands and thousands of people out there who are suffering in silence.

So, I decided to write an autobiography/novel based on my experience of the slide into, and the devastatingly difficult climb out of, depressive illness. While I was ill I searched and searched for a book which would help me understand the things that I was experiencing and feeling, but could find nothing from an ordinary human perspective. I found medical books written by doctors or psychiatrists, books that were self indulgent and books that were patronising, but none that helped me understand what was going on inside my own head. I also found it highly embarrassing to ask for a book blatantly about depression, as it is so often seen as shameful, or only suffered by 'losers'. This is why I have written 'The Worry-Go-Round' as a novel, so it can be absorbed and enjoyed by everyone, no matter what their reason for reading it. Whilst writing the book I have found that I have had a similar conversation with almost everyone who asks me about it; Me; I am writing a book. Person; Oh yes? (Not particularly interested) What's it about?

So I tell them about it. Person; That's brilliant! My friend/mum/brother/husband/wife etc... etc...needs a copy of that, let me know when it's out so I can get one. This reaction seems to be the same with every person I have spoken to about the book. It is the rule, rather than the exception. It is not my mission to mount a one woman crusade about this subject. I am just a woman who has written an autobiographical novel which I believe will stand on its own literary merits, but which may also provide insight and understanding for those whose lives have been touched by depressive illness. I am very willing to help promote the book in a professional manner and I will be happy to discuss any of the subject matter openly. The book is written in two sections. The first shows the spiralling decline into a complete breakdown. The second is written with chapters alternating between counselling sessions which delve into the things in my life which contributed to my depression, and how I was able to come to terms with them and deal with them fully. The alternate chapters describe the events and feelings which I encountered between each counselling session, and they also chart the wobbly journey towards recovery. The first half of the book is quite dark and desperate, but as progress is made the writing becomes more and more light and humorous. This mirrors the recovery process, alternating between peaks and troughs, and reflects the sad, the happy, the dark, the light and the downright funny. It is not a self indulgent book, nor is it a self help book, it is a novel for people to enjoy on its own merits, and one from which each individual can gain as little or as much help and understanding as they need. I am 32 years of age and have in the past been a primary school teacher for three years. I have also managed an animal care establishment for three years. I have, since the summer of 2002, had the opportunity to write the book which I have had inside me since 1999, and have thoroughly enjoyed the experience. So much so that I am eager to pursue it as my chosen career, and hope that you will be part of this adventure with me!

Disabled Ghetto | top

Preface

This book is for all those who struggle for real control of their own lives and those who try to support them against a very powerful tide of Oppression. It's so easy for some to turn a blind eye to the suffering of a people they do not know. So we need to bring to light those who are the UK's faceless people and to break the Monkey rule, I'm sure we all know it - see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Most of this takes place in one part of the country Middlesbrough (Cleveland), situated in the Northeast, was the first town in England to owe its existence to a railway.

In 1830 the world's first railroad, the Stockton to Darlington line, was extended to the head of the River Tees estuary and the site became the coal-exporting port of Middlesbrough. With the discovery of iron ore nearby, ironworks were built, followed by steelworks. The town boasts the world's largest working transporter bridge of its kind, 850 ft long, built in 1911. Its other claim to fame is that the explorer Captain James Cook was born in Marton-in-Cleveland now part of Middlesbrough and the town houses the Captain Cook museum.

Like so many of the towns and cities in northern England it was home to the type of traditional heavy industries (chiefly engineering and steel) that all but disappeared during the tumultuous Thatcher era. The town, which has grown rapidly over the last ten years to a population of around 200,000, has had to face chronic problems of unemployment, crime, drugs, and the disintegration of community. However since the 90's it has been the focus of New Labour's so-called perfect model town and therefore a perfect place to put to the test some of this Modernization that Tory Blair talks about, in relation to his new Local Government structure and Public/ private services.

From there you can then see how policy is reflected across the whole of the country and that Cleveland is the Micro cosmos of what is happening all over the world with Disability, welcome to Blairville! The Rest of this book also reflects My personal and working life as I have the advantage of sampling both sides of the coin i.e. I have been labelled disabled since 1994 and also worked in Social Services for 7 very challenging years. I have learned a lot from others who are themselves physically and socially disabled and have come to see how easy it is to become part of a Culture that is different from all others.

Most cultures developed, broke away and formed themselves whereas the disabled culture emerged out of people's negative pre-judgement based on fear, ignorance and a false idea of perfection. I am proud and encouraged by those small few who are able to beat their Disability, however I am also concerned that too much positive Propaganda is being used by the media, in order to gloss over more fundamental issues with Disability and I am sure that I am not the only one who thinks this. That is why we should apply a lateral approach if we are to solve this problem .The wider implication of this book also reflects the general concern about the death of democracy, leading to disablism for all.

Dispossessed (The) | top

THE DISPOSSESSED - SYNOPSIS

The book tells the narrator's story as she journeys through experiences of mental distress and the mental health system. A whole range of issues are covered, from conditions in inpatient facilities, drug treatment, stigma and discrimination, the impact of suicide, self-harm, the quality of community mental healthcare, etc., to the eventual partial recovery of the narrator and how she has managed to achieve this. The book ends on a note of hope and survivor solidarity.

"This book reminds me of a mental health version of George Orwell's 1984. The Dispossessed is a ground breaking autobiography on the feeling of the humiliation of mental illness"

Jason Pegler CEO of Chipmunkapublishing

It's Happening To Me | top

Foreword

Close nit families are interesting, everyone knows. But do they care? This is the life of a person coping with the situation she finds her self in. This gives real insight into sexual habits in some areas, this book might shock. But it does go one!!

Andrew Latchford Co Founder

It's Happening to Me is a moving tale about a black woman with schizophrenia fighting for equality and understanding on two fronts.

Jason Pegler CEO of Chipmunkapublishing

King of Brazil | top

SYNOPSIS

Chapters 1 - 3 cover my early life culminating in my marriage at the age of 21.

Chapters 4 - 7 cover the development of my career over twenty-five years in the defence industry, the last five years spent working on the Trident program.

Chapters 8 - 10 cover my marriage and my five-year affair and the bringing up of two families unknown to each other. In chapter 10 the onset of Clinical depression begins sowing the seeds for divorce after twenty-five years of marriage.

Chapters 11 - 14 cover the administration of a drug, Venlefaxine that rockets me out of depression into mania as the King of Brazil charity organiser, extraordinaire. A totally bizarre character as a result of drug induced character and personality changes. Meanwhile the divorce solicitors have to contend with this bizarre character.

Chapters 15 - 17 cover the resulting period of depression having remorse for my behaviour as the King of Brazil and results in the curtailment of my career with early medical retirement.

Chapters 18 - 28 cover two years of alcoholism. During this period my behaviour is totally bizarre with many different character and personality changes as the Psychiatrists try numerous drug cocktails to try and control the violent mood swings between mania and suicidal clinical depression. During this period I have many visits to the lunatic asylum under various sections.

Chapters 29 - 30 cover my time spent and documents the events trying to come off the alcohol.

Chapters 31 - 32 cover more drugs induced lunatic behaviour leading to my arrest for Napalming a hospital, the local mental institution.

Chapters 33 - 37 cover my period in prison and how I coped with the illness, having been prescribed Venlfaxine again, this time by the prisons forensic psychiatrist.

Chapters 38 - 39 cover the final period of mania before stabilisation.

Chapter 40 at last after over six years in the system I can see the light at the end of the tunnel through scientific philosophy. My mind has been expanded phenomenally and have become adept in any academic subject without reading any books or consulting the Internet. I have found my path.

Chapters 41 - 42 the final battle

 Lahlekile | top

LAHLEKILE - SYNOPSIS LAHLEKILE provides an authentic oral account of the nursing experience in pre-democratic times. Specifically the experiences of the black majority. Three chapters cover training and practice over twenty-five year periods, from pioneering through to late century nursing. The final chapter deals with a fierce and fiery transition to democracy ending on the cutting edge of the new millennium. The book is written in a style which gives the reader tangible access to the medico-nursing world. Nurses were hailed as the 'unsung heroes of a struggle between Africa and Europe for supremacy over the African.' [Robert Sobukwe]

It provides two perspectives. For the former politically disadvantaged reader, the painful lived reality of the health care delivery system of the past is revealed without anesthesia. The nurses tell it as it was. For those readers who were politically privileged, or who simply happen to live in a different part of the world, reflection is cast on the pain and distress imposed by those in authority on the vulnerable, and on those in need of care. The South African nurses who wielded authority over disenfranchised nurses, need to examine themselves introspectively; step aside from the easy argument that they were forced/obliged to carry out the discriminatory status quo.

From both sides of the spectrum space is opened for readers to undergo a process of healing, even as the author of this book was able to heal in the listening, reflecting and writing thereof. Incoming nurses and medical practitioners need to grasp the nettle of the nursing heritage, navigate their way around professional obstacles - such as the hated handmaiden role - and move their practice along the principles of best practice and substantive equality for all - for the doctor, nurse, pharmacist, patient and the patient's significant others. Towards Healing: Part of the nursing heritage is an award system that built icons out of nurses not representative of the majority. Lahlekile allows black role models to step through the mist of time. Change the icons.

The value system in health care delivery was left in disarray. Lahlekile's reach is to young nurses and doctors, for them to rebuild the delivery system on the sound principles provided by the South African Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Since the world has come to be seen as a 'global village,' the universality of nursing enables the voice of South African nurses to be heard around the world. One great opportunity for South African practitioners is for a sequel to be written two or three decades into the new millennium. The author suggests - tongue-in-cheek- that it might be entitled Fumanekile which means found ? Lahlekile ends provocatively…the political struggle of nursing is not over.

Madness At Midnight | top

Foreword

We are obsessed by the 'occult', the hidden forces of nature and the Universe. Consider all the movies and stories from Stephen King to the Blair Witch Project to the Omen series of horror movies - the unknown and inexplicable holds us in its thrall. Here is a story of an actual encounter with deep dark and largely inexplicable forces. Not a nice comfortable story with a nice fancy ending but a raw, blasting story of trials and challenges that most of us are fortunate enough not to experience and not to encounter. Many who purport to be religious teachers teach, in the main, that the occult is dangerous and to be avoided. But this is impossible as it is all around us, it is the hidden and subtle forces of the Universe and we choose not to hear them and attempt to understand them at our peril.

The battle of light and dark forces goes on in the manifest cosmos and we experience the effects both in the external arena of everyday life and in the internal arena of our inner world, our dreams and our impulses. Bianca's story shows that the hidden forces affect life and can open us up to a wider reality which is tough, challenging and dangerous. I would add that the only thing more dangerous is ignorance, and pretence that its not there. Preparation is all.

To engage in battle with the subtle forces of yourself and life, inner healing is needed, healing of the wounds of childhood especially is required to help one balance one's personality and become well grounded to deal with multidimensional reality. As Carlos Castaneda has written about and many shamans and spiritual teachers teach, and as corroborated by modern day quantum physicists, the reality we perceive is made up of what can best be classified as vibrations. We each of us are an Energy Body within which is the physical body. Within the Energy Body is a point the shamans call the Assemblage Point. Which of the multitude of vibrations available we experience as 'reality' depends on the position of the Assemblage Point within our Energy Body. Move this point and the reality we perceive changes.

All spiritual disciplines have at their root methods to shift the Assemblage Point in small gradual increments which we can handle and which help us gradually to learn to manoeuvre in wider realities. Bianca experienced massive sudden shifts and the results were traumatic and excruciatingly difficult. Some years ago at a Transpersonal Psychology conference I heard first hand the story of an 'alien abductee'. As I listened most carefully to his story of abduction by aliens, in my mind I heard a shamanic journey. It felt to me like a deep visionary inner journey which took place in parallel reality, the one that can be so easily dismissed as 'imagination'. He was convinced it happened in this third dimensional everyday reality. At times in life it can be very difficult to be certain just which reality one is in. Indeed just what reality is.

The story that follows is a dramatic reminder that the world around us, which we so easily take for granted, is actually nothing more than a perception and is only as stable as the position of our Assemblage Point. Many who are considered crazy are actually perceiving realities closed to the majority of people and which conventional 'wisdom' asserts do not exist. Modern psychiatric drugs dull the senses, cut off perception and suppress the emotions thus apparently stabilising the sufferer. But at a substantial price.

The price of deadness, dulled sensibilities, lack of feelings. There must be another way and perhaps this harrowing story will help open up dialogue about the perception of wider realities and what is real in a much wider framework than presently accepted, and also just what 'mental illness' really is and when it is not illness at all but the ability to perceive a much wider band of vibrations than that normally open to the majority of people. Leo Rutherford

Missing Factor | top

"Reading technical books about haemophilia is the easiest thing to do, and the hardest way of learning about what it is really like to have the disease in the family. This is the book you really need to get a rounded picture of what a very distressing genetic disorder can do to an average family. By all means read the technical books afterwards, but read this one first."
Claire Rayner

Move Over Manic Depression Here I Am | top

'Move Over Manic Depression - Here I Am' by Anne Brocklesby: SYNOPSIS My book chronicles the ups and downs of having a mental health problem, in this case a delayed diagnosis of bipolar affective disorder. I talk about my breakdown as occurring 6 years prior to my starting my book, and that the writing is an attempt to come to terms with what has happened to me in the years since. I do this by considering my earlier life, and what comes to the fore is my anxiety and buried grief for the loss of my mother who died when I was 21 years old. I work through my feelings for my mother in the book, by seeking solace in poetry and readings about grief and pain.

This underlying problem is probably what caused the actual vulnerability to a breakdown, when I later experienced a number of external pressures which lead to my mental illness. I explain that I set about writing the book to describe what it is like living with a mental health problem, and it is interesting that my journalling gives me the lead into exploring my hidden feelings. I continued on Prozac as my main medication until roughly 18 months ago, when my diagnosis was given. Until then it was supposed that I had ordinary depression and would be cured with medication. But, as time wore on, and I became more entrenched with my illness, and experienced psychotic symptoms, again I needed to see the psychiatrist. I remember feeling really disoriented, with weird disjointed thoughts flooding my brain. I needed an antipsychotic drug, which I am now on as a permanent medication. Gradually over the years I have come to an understanding of my condition of manic depression.

I am on an antidepressant called Effexor XL which deals with my extreme anxiety, and on Risperdal which copes with the psychotic tendencies. Together they keep me sane, and to a large extent stop my incessant worry. I have come to realise that my whole life has been full of anxiety, and I am now learning to cope with this by using various methods of self-help. I do regular yoga and swimming and have tried aromatherapy massage when I have felt desperately out of touch with myself. I took to journalling on the suggestion of my daughter, who encouraged me to write it down. I have found journalling and the externalisation of my thoughts and ideas a helpful way of sorting out my concerns. When my head has been completely full of racing thoughts I had to start somewhere to sort them out, so I got out my notebook and started writing. It gave me a sense of achievement when I could do nothing else. It is difficult to fill your day when you are disorientated with mental health worries. I had no energy. I had no desire to do anything at all. I could not concentrate to read, or sometimes even to watch the TV, because it was all too intrusively sensitive and seemed to be talking just to me. Listening to the radio was very difficult, except for music which somehow would calm me if I tuned in to the classic stations.

My husband, my carer, encouraged me every way he could. He took me to the park, he went swimming with me, he phoned me from work three times a day when I was feeling tearful and unable to cope, and he willingly made the evening meal and did the shopping when I could do none of it. He always came to psychiatric appointments with me and has shown a sustained interest in mental health issues ever since, just like myself. Together we went to our local MIND AGM. The mental health issue which my book addresses is the need for mental health professionals to work together with their patients and families, so that eventually the right diagnosis and treatment can be given for mental health problems.

Doctors can learn so much from their patients, which is why the first person I gave a copy of my book to was my psychiatrist - he thanked me for this. It is essential for carers too, to understand as much as they can about mental health so that they can support their mentally ill partner, or dependent. Even when I have felt in despair and ready to give up, my husband has always been ready with answers to my 729 reasons why I should just stay in bed. Now, through my writing I hope I have given information and help to doctors, patients and their carers in the field of mental health. I am a survivor and very pleased to be so.

Sweet And Bitter Fool | top

SYNOPSIS

This book is the description of an Anglican priest's experience of manic depression. In it he relates what may have been early signs of obsession and depression when he was a teenager. The author describes events leading up to his first breakdown as a student at university preparing for ordination.

His career continues largely unabated until a second depressive episode soon after starting an important appointment. When he was admitted to hospital, it was as if all his hopes and aspirations had ended. He later resumed his ministry and after nine years he moved to take charge of two rural parishes. Hardly had he started that another major episode occurred. In a suicidal state he went to hospital again, and then for a longer period, to a private hospital.

Nothing availed and the author is critical of some of the treatment received. Nothing seemed to succeed until more drastic treatment was attempted when back at home. Later and after about thirty years following his first breakdown, the GP in his parish diagnosed manic depression and prescribed lithium. Since then the author fulfilled an active and lively ministry for nine years until he retired .

The book describes the depths of the illness and at the same time, a ministry which somehow survived successfully despite occasional interruptions. The story continues in an active retirement with the illness largely controlled by lithium. The book relates the illness in all its awfulness, but it also testifies to its management once it is properly diagnosed. Manic depression is powerful but the sufferer need not be overwhelmed and can still live and achieve against all odds and expectations.

Through These Walls | top

Foreword
Suffering is not what humans expect, the pain that this man has suffered from the institutional authority is wrong. This book is a frank and open book, holding no punches. If only the real controllers of mental care would read and understand. This author is not seeking your pity, not compensation from the state. Like many of our authors this is his very personal life. There are many times of pain, few times of joy but life just goes on. Often care can be found in the strangest of places. Help can be found, sometimes not where its offered.

Life in London's East End is hard; this book explain how, life is peer pressure and being forced to do things you do not want to do. There is hope……and there a book in all of us……

Andrew Latchford Co Founder

From the Author

There are millions of brave people, past and present that have fought wars, fires and have fought to survive in the harshest of conditions; but none as brave as those who have fought the wars and raging fires inside their heads. This book is dedicated to all those people who are fighting mental illness, and to their families of whom also suffer from the knock on effects of these terrible illnesses.

This book is not meant to portray all Psychiatric Hospitals, but exists to warn you that these things do happen, in a number of them, still. We should gently warn our family should they go into one that they should report any case of verbal, physical or sexual abuse immediately, and not to accept any, common cover UP's. I hope that it will give you some hope on your darkest days, you are not the only ones to go through so much pain.

This book discusses my life before hospitalisation, as a juvenile delinquent, and the reasons behind it, through to my time in a Psychiatric hospitals about 16 years ago, and also describes at times the hell I and others went through. Towards the end of my book, I shall give you advice on what to do if it happens, and about what you should expect to get on your release from the community.

I am not a lover of organisation like the Samaritans, I have personally found them unhelpful, though I accept that they do help many others in crisis. I have found them to be too impartial, this is why I do not mention them in my book. I would never recommend phoning Mankind, because again I have found them unhelpful, however I am sure that they have helped other men in crisis. Anyway this is my story……

Yo Yo | top

Foreword

Some fiction books are roller coasters, with the author taking you in all directions. This book IS someone's life. Few publishers would expect this to be published. The pain of the author and the facts of her life just make you want to reach out. This woman has had many twists and turns and with pleasure we publish her book.

Andrew Latchford Co founder Chipmunkapublishing ltd

By Celia Pearson. Synopsis.

I was an Army daughter, born during the War. My first four years were spent living with a doting mother and grandparents. On my fourth birthday it all ended when we went to join my father and my mother no longer had time for me. I felt rejected and anxious. I went to a Dickensian boarding school in the fifties where I was bullied and often depressed. Later, as a nurse, I self-diagnosed Manic Depression. I was too ill to continue training. As the wife of an Army officer I was given MAOIs and amphetamines to cure depression.

During my married life I twice attempted suicide, had 3 miscarriages, stillborn Siamese twins, a cot death and a premature baby. Then my husband hanged himself. In the midst of this I had several operations. Life was a tremendous struggle as a widowed mother living on little money. I couldn't work as somebody had to be with the children, particularly during the holidays when they were home from boarding school and anyway I was frequently depressed. Before my husband died I had had one course of E.C.T. and after he died, three more courses, making a total of 24 individual treatments.

I started to drink and also started smoking during this time. E.C.T. played havoc with my memory and ability to concentrate. I also had three convulsions. I found and lived with a partner for 11 years and was introduced to Lithium as a result of which I have never looked back. I just had two periods of illness before my partner died. This was even though my son hanged himself after I lost my partner and 5 weeks later my mother died. It is not all bad. I have written with a sense of humour anecdotes about my animals and in general about Manic Depression and how I've come out the other side despite everything.